INT.IPR OFFICE.DAY
Phyco has cleaned up since his beating, but the facial wounds are still apparent and his suit is still filthy and stained with blood…
PHYCO: “Right… let’s get some of this backlog cleared Casper… we needed to compromise, and you get Dogging… we keep reviewing… okay?”
CASPER: “Dogging comes first though.”
PHYCO: “Okay - I gave in… Dogging at night, reviewing during the day…”
CASPER: “Except in Summer.”
PHYCO: “Look let’s just get on with the job aye? Let’s have a look at what we’ve got…”
PHYCO starts rummaging around in a big box… Casper adjusts himself to a very formal, upright position - like he’s on “Who wants to be a millionaire”… Phyco emerges from the big box holding a DVD…
PHYCO: “Diabolic’s Cream of the Crop?”
CASPER: “Cream of the crap. Totally unreal.”
PHYCO: “Evil Empire’s Trained Young?”
CASPER: “Yeah… trained young a long time before they did this movie. Shit. Boring. Fake.”
PHYCO [despairing]: “Rocco in London?”
CASPER: “Bored of Rocco. All set up and contrived. Big-deal and Skinny probably rate it: it’s shit.”
PHYCO: “What are you doing?”
CASPER: “Just clearing the back-log.”
PHYCO: “Look… how we used to do it… remember?”
CASPER: “I always hated that. We should be out there, fact finding, digging deep, pushing the boundaries…”
PHYCO: “Ahem… Rocco Sifredi in London! So the noble Italian timber merchant numero uno does us the credit of wielding his wild wood on our sovereign soil… All Roccoidal nuances present and correct: genital gymnastics, sport-porn dynamics and hi-energy hydraulics are what Sifredi and Co. do best, and it’s all here and in order… A hard-balling stag flick for the man who sets his yardstick against the very best in rough cut sputtering clutter with - “
CASPER: “But it doesn’t mean anything Phyco!”
PHYCO: “Look… where are we going with this?!”
CASPER: “With what?”
PHYCO: “THE IPR! What’s it all about?”
CASPER: “I thought we were getting our own telly program?!”
PHYCO: “We are… soon… trust me…”
CASPER: “Good… till then we’re creeping around in the leaves.”
PHYCO [coyly]: “Lubed 4 Double Plugged?”
CASPER knock’s the tape out of PHYCO’s hand…
CASPER: “We’ve done that! That’s one of yours! If we don’t get our telly program soon I’m fucking out of here… and getting a proper job, and new clothes… I’m fed up with it!”
PHYCO: “Oh come on! We’re on TV again this Thursday night!”
CASPER: “What on?”
PHYCO: “That thing on 0898 numbers.”
CASPER [none the wiser]: “Oh yeah… but it’ll be like the last one that was on… that thing on Penthouse… you going off like a public schoolboy… proper ponce…”
PHYCO: “What?! I’m just trying to provide a presentable front! Fucking hell does anybody appreciate what I do for -“
CASPER: “Why do you put on that voice?”
PHYCO: “What voice?”
CASPER: “The posh fucking ponce voice.”
PHYCO: “I don’t… and anyway… you go all upmarket when you’re being filmed n’all!”
CASPER: “Fuck you…”
PHYCO: “You do! Hang on…”
PHYCO gets the video of the Penthouse documentary and plays it… C&P being pompous and posh…
CASPER: “Right I’m not doing it.”
PHYCO: “Not doing what?!”
CASPER: “0898”
PHYCO: “We’ve done it you daft twatt! It’s airing on Thursday!”
CASPER: “Oh… so it’s too late to change my voice?”
PHYCO: “Yeah… oh and also apparently they spelled your name wrong… C-A-S-P-A-R…”
CASPER: “Ahh that’s fucking charming that is aint it?!”
PHYCO: “Look Casper… if this is gonna work you need to focus on the project. We need a proper manager.”
CASPER: “What about that geezer at Megatron?”
PHYCO: “Who?!”
CASPER: “Slapperthon… whatever he’s called…”
PHYCO: “The proposal I put in to Zeppatron? I sent them a press pack.”
CASPER: “What the fucks our *press pack*??!”
PHYCO: “Y’know… a sticker… scripts and stuff…”
CASPER: “Scripts? I didn’t know we had scripts? Where’s my scripts?!”
PHYCO: “Right that’s it! I give up! Bollocks! You can write the scripts…”
CASPER: “Okay fine… I will write the fucking script:
Phyco: “Whine whine fucking whine”
Casper: “Tell that bloke… the Mysteron, that we’re coming down to see him.”
Phyco: “Oh alright - I’ll do it now.”
Casper: “Thank you. Now shut up. The end.”
PHYCO [coyly]: “Look… he said he’d be in touch.”
CASPER: “When?”
PHYCO: “He said the early part of this week.”
CASPER: “And?”
PHYCO: “Well… that’s between Monday and Wednesday innit… it’s Wednesday today… so he’s got till midnight tonight aint he?”
CASPER: “Fine. Best of luck to him. I’m going out round the carparks for a couple of hours. If he phones - you tell him we’re coming down…”
FADE OUT/IN
INT. IPR OFFICE. LATE NIGHT
PHYCO is sitting at a blank table with his mobile phone in front of him - head in hands - waiting… the sound of a distant siren outside…
FADE TO BLACK
REPRISE
EXT. CAR - SUBURBAN STREET - LONDON. NIGHT
Casper & Phyco driving slowly down a lit suburban street…
CASPER: “You sure this is it?”
PHYCO: “Well it took me long enough to find it out… yeah - I’m sure… this is where he lives…”
CASPER: “God bless your internet aye?”
CASPER pulls over onto the kerb…
PHYCO: “Cor! He’s got a nice house!”
CASPER: “Okay… go on then…”
PHYCO: “What?”
CASPER: “Go and tell him about our program.”
PHYCO: “Okay…”
PHYCO finishes another can of Red Bull and throws the can amongst others on the dash board…
PHYCO [very intense]: “Right… give me the bat…”
CASPER reaches under his seat and passes PHYCO a short wooden baseball bat…
CASPER: “What’s that for?”
PHYCO: “I dunno…” [very sinister] “In case he’s got a dog.”
FADE OUT
CHECK OUT C&P AT THE LONDON IPR DOING TELLY ON CHANNEL 5 THIS THURSDAY NIGHT 11TH SEPTEMBER… PUTTING ON POSH VOICES, TALKING ABOUT CRAP RIP-OFF SEX LINES AND GENERALLY FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE. NOW THAT’S ROCK & ROLL TELEVISION.
Until the next time - Take care of yourselves…
POSTSCRIPT:
PHYCO: “They cut our fucking scenes out from the 0898 program last night Casper!”
CASPER: “Not surprising really… probably had a problem with you talking like James Hewitt.”