EXT. CAR PARK. NIGHT
Casper & Phyco usher the camera over to a large bush.
On the other side of which we see the headlights from a car.
PHYCO [in a whisper]: “Over here… quick…”
Casper’s peering through a gap in the branches…
CAMERA P.O.V: Through the hedge we see that the car is shaking - a couple are having sex.
Casper & Phyco are huddled around the peephole occasionally glancing at the camera behind them with excitement.
CASPER: “Oooo… look at that… something for Phyco…”
Phyco peers in close. The camera joins him. The girl has her bare foot pushed up against the window as she gets fucked…
CASPER [to camera/whisper]: “That’ll slay him I tell ya!”
Phyco’s completely hypnotised by the foot against the glass.
Phyco slowly starts to push through the bush - to the other side.
The camera looks through and sees him slowly approaching the car…
CASPER [to Phyco/a whisper-shout]: “Oi! Get back here… we’ll get busted!”
But Phyco’s utterly spellbound.
Camera P.O.V through the peephole:
Phyco is standing 6 feet away from the rocking car. The sounds of heavy sex. The foot against the glass…
Phyco reaches out with his hand - visibly transfixed - in a trance.
He starts to slowly move forward… reaching out with his palm toward the window…
CASPER [OOS]: “For fucks sake…. get away from there! Whas he doing?!”
Phyco’s hand makes contact with the glass. The foot on the other side.
The rocking/sex sounds stop after a few beats. The GIRL in the car lets out a “SHRIEK!”
Phyco is still totally absorbed in the moment… the door on the other side of the car flies open and a young man gets out pulling up his pants and jeans…
MAN: “What the fuck do you think you’re playing at you dirty little cunt?!”
Phyco’s attention is broken, he looks up to see the man as he steams ‘round the car and attacks Phyco ferociously.
CASPER [OOS]: “Oh bloody hell… here we go…”
Phyco is getting his head kicked in as the MAN screams abuse at him… the girls opens her window and joins in:
GIRL: “Fucking kill him… perverted little shit”
Casper pushes through the hedge, the camera follows…
CASPER: “Alright alright… he’s with me… leave it out…”
The MAN is tired from his beating Phyco… he pauses to catch his breath… Phyco is on the floor, completely broken…
GIRL: “Who the fuck are you lot?! Have you been filming us??!!”
CAMERA [panicking]: “Uh no… I’m doing a thing on these two… we’re just passing by…”
Casper lifts up the body of Phyco and throws him over his shoulder. Phyco groans.
MAN: “You wanna get the fuck out of here a bit sharpish before I do something I’ll regret”
GIRL: “You aint gonna let ‘em go are ya?! Call the fucking police or something!”
CASPER: “Now come on… there’s no need for that… It’s a simple mistake… he hasn’t been well…”
Casper exits through the bush carrying Phyco… Camera follows…
GIRL [OOS]: “FUCKING SAD BASTARDS!”
FADE OUT/IN
INT. THE IPR OFFICE. NEXT MORNING
Phyco is waking up on the sofa with a series of troubled groans and grimaces… he feels his nose.
PHYCO: “Ow! Oooo what happened?”
Phyco sits up… he’s still in his black suit and covered in dried blood… his teeth and lips, eyes and nose are caked in it… his white shirt is utterly stained… Casper walks in looking sharp, adjusting his cuffs etc.
CASPER: “Morning! You sleep alright? You fucking penis…”
PHYCO: “Bloody hell… my nose hurts…”
CASPER: “Well start looking awake… we’re due down in Brighton in an hour…”
PHYCO: “What? You’re having a turkish aint ya? What are we doing down…”
He remembers…
PHYCO: “Oh fucking hell! We’re meeting Phil McCavity aint we??!”
CASPER [putting on his coat and swiping up car keys]: “Quite right… and we’re late… let’s go”
Phyco continues to gently test his broken nose…
CUT TO:
INT. CAR. DAY
Camera in the back, Casper drives along the motor-way… Phyco in the passenger seat still checking his damage in the pull down mirror… still horribly covered/stained in old blood.
Casper’s in mid flow:
PHYCO: “Cor look… it’s definitely bust!”
CASPER: “QUIET! I’m speaking… Now I would say that Relish is something you put on your burger - not on your screen. But this is new…”
Casper picks up a Relish DVD from the dash board and waves it to camera via the rear view mirror…
ANAL OFFICE COCK-UP [RELISH]
RUNNING TIME: 87 mins
DIRECTED BY: Hazza B’gunne
STARRING: Jo-Lee, Monroe, Simone-Claire, Taylor, Bev Cocks, Jamie Woods, Viper, Jay Scarman, Dries
CASPER [to camera]: “it’s moderately innovative and it’s amusing… but it begs the question “who wants to laugh on the vinegar stroke?” THIS IS NOT MY BAG you know, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its place. This is tickling the balls of the film genre, quite “Carry On”, quite “Benny Hill”, It’s a laugh, a bit of a giggle and to its credit - it delivers just the kind of material to close the job at just the right time. It’s one for the “fun wankers”… the FHM generation… The kind of people who are more interested in what type of mobile phone they have as opposed to the psychology behind a woman who arranges a meeting with 15 vagina starved men in a lay by on the M25. ITS NOT FUCKING DARK ENOUGH for me… but If you’re the kind of guy who likes polished well presented goods - this is for you. One to add to that impressive porn library on your Van Shckletar shelf in your converted loft apartment in London Bridge…”
Pause… Casper negotiates a turn-off…
CASPER [to camera]: “However, it did have something for me… The picture successfully managed to catch that gritty realism that is absent in all US high budget stuff. There was an hue, there were spots on the arses, and the accents - ohhhhh the accents! It wasn’t exactly “Judy and Shakina”, but neither was it Leanna from Serbia. Good… but not quite right… If cockney’s your bag it was short of the mark…BUT AT LEAST IT WAS BRITISH! The sound track was shocking - but isn’t it always? I don’t know why i bother sometimes…”
PHYCO: “I didn’t get much off it to be honest… I liked the car scene… quite Doggingish?”
CASPER: “Look!!! it’s good stuff, and more importantly I think this kind of thing is the future of the British market. These boys have struck a fine balance between the US/UK genres with a bit of slap and tickle thrown in. Whether its your banana or not - get used to it!! Relish are here to stay mate…”
PHYCO: “Whatever”
TO BE CONTINUED…