Phyco: “What have we been up to punters?? No updates to speak of since chrismas?! Well it’s not easy doing what we do y’know… and these last coupla months have proved a real test of our mettle…”
Casper: “Tell them about your problems son… go on…”
Phyco: “I’m not the one with the problem mate… you’re the one that sent me to the countryside for 6 weeks for no good reason”
Casper: “You call crying all the time… and cutting your arms… and drinking bleach… and having bloody panic attacks in the middle of “Little Amsterdam” and staying up for two weeks on the trot looking on that internet - getting starry eyed obsessed over that boys-haircut little midget of yours with the feet…”
Phyco: “Do not talk about her like that Casper… She’s the most beautiful girl in the world… and when I marry her… and I will marry her - I’m buggered if you’re gonna be the best man at our wedding.”
Casper: “She aint gonna marry you you little ponce… she’d shit herself and run a mile if she so much as saw your archives… and anyway… she’s a porn star… not your bleedin’ girlfriend… tell’em who she is… go on…”
Phyco [coyly]: “I don’t like talking about her in public… she’s better than that”
Casper: “Don’t make out you’re all fucking shy lad! NADIA… thas her name… NADIA… and now every body in the world knows you’ve got a fucking school boy crush on NADIA… someone you’ve never even met except from the 300 cuttings of her you’ve got all over your wall… so get over it and get on with the fucking job at hand”
Phyco: “You sod! Thas private that is… something for meself…”
Casper: “Well maybe now you can stop trying to find out where she fucking lives and we can get some work done…”
Phyco [sulking]: “Her name’s Andrea actually… Nadia’s her actresses name… Can I at least put a little picture of her foot on the website?”
Casper: “One picture… and a LITTLE one… we’re not turning this business into a vent for your sad and lonely compulsions”
Phyco: “Thanks Casper… it means a lot to me…”
PIC:
Casper: “That wasn’t just *a little picture of her foot* Phyco now was it? Do as your fucking told or i’ll double your medications and send you back to that fucking farm… now… where were we? I’m getting bored of having to work with materials of your specific choosing… get out there and find something horrible, and gritty, and real… something for Casper eh??”
INT.DSS.DAY
C&P are in the DSS office. All the background/extras [it’s packed] are hideously ugly or deformed. C&P in black suits… bored… stoned…
Casper: “How much can you get?”
Phyco: “I dunno… sixty quid?”
Casper: “Can you get eighty?”
Phyco: “Well i’ll try won’t i… I need to… we’re practically fucking bankrupt”
Casper [reading]: “Eighty… and show ‘em your doctors stuff… tell them your mental… we need petrol”
INT.KITCHEN AREA.DAY
Phyco’s hunched over an old CB radio set… white noise
Phyco: “Breaker breaker… ten four for a copy… c’mon…”
White noise
Phyco: “Breaker breaker… ten four for a copy… this is Phyco boy c’mon…”
White noise
Phyco: “Breaker breaker… ten four for a copy… copy me c’mon…”
White noise
Fade
PHYCO VIGNETTE
Phyco: “The thing is… the only reason we do this… at the very core of the passion… is for money. To try and become relatively wealthy doing what we do… the dream… the MILLION POUND WANK… that embodiment of our need… and the reason why we do all this [gesticulating] is in the hope of just for once - just breaking even… because you know in this game - it’s all out-goings and not a lot of income.”
FADE
EXT.CAR.COUNTRY.DUSK
C&P driving down a lane… camera in the back…
Phyco: “This looks good”
Casper slows down
Casper: “Just in there… that’s perfect”
Phyco: “Okay”
Phyco gets out with a carrier bag
Casper: “LEAVE A CLUE!”
Phyco empties the bag of porn mags into the ditch but tears out a double page and leaves that on the verge - visible from the road.
Phyco gets in
Casper: “Alright?”
Phyco [to camera]: “That’s our round pretty much done for today”
Casper [pulling away]: “A pint me thinks”
Phyco: “Oooo cup of tea first eh?”
FADE
INT.THE SPREAD EAGLE.NIGHT
C&P at the bar in a dindgy strip pub… 2 pints of lager… fags… eighty quid in 50p’s split into two piles.
Scantily clad girl comes with a pint glass - C&P both pitch in a 50p piece from attendant piles on the bar
Casper [gesturing]: “Anabolic”
Phyco: “Anabolic… Ben Dover… or Buttman”
Casper: “Club International”
Phyco: “Diabolic”
Casper: “Escort”
Phyco: “Fiesta”
Casper: “Errr…. Greg Dark”
Phyco: “Hustler”
Casper: “Initiations”
Phyco: “John… Stag… liano…”
Casper: “KKKK Knave!”
Phyco: “…L… Lyn Fairclough!”
Casper: “Mayfair… or Men Only”
Phyco: “Nineteen”
Casper: “Onan… the… Bulgarian…”
Girl comes with a pint glass - C&P both pitch in a 50p piece
Phyco: “Peter North… Sir Peter North…”
Casper: “Queen - We Are The Champions”
Phyco: “That’s not porn though is it”
Casper: “It’s a fucking good song…”
Phyco: “I can’t think of a Q without going down the queer route so you can have it”
Casper: “I’ve had it mate… it’s a bloody good earner…”
Phyco: “Razzle”
Casper: “San Fernando”
Phyco: “Tiger Woods”
Casper: “UK Girls… Hang on… Tiger Woods?”
Phyco: “V is for… Vivid… Vivid video”
Casper: “Or Vince Voyeur?”
Phyco: “Nice… Whitehouse - an oldschool gem”
Casper: “X rated videos?”
Girl comes with a pint glass - 50p’s
Casper: “You Lucker Fucker… from Razzle”
Phyco: “What we on… Zed? I can’t think of anything beginning in z… zebra?… ooh… ZE GERMANS!”
Lagers… fags…
FADE
INT.THE SPREAD EAGLE.NIGHT
Casper is on the little stage in the strip pub with a microphone, the strippers & punters are watching.
Casper sings “We Are The Champions”… excellently… very dynamic, flamboyant etc… to a backing track. He finishes… Applause…
Phyco go’s round the crowd with a pint glass.
FADE OUT