SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION COLLECTORS SCRIPT
Fade in
Title: The Independent Porn Review
Audio
Fade to black
Fade in
At the desk in presenters mode - Casper reads a porn mag
Phyco: “Hello… we are Casper… and Phyco at The Independent Porn Review… it is our mission to trawl in earnest - selflessly sampling all the pornography currently available in the UK the better that YOU make an informed choice next time you spend the pink penny on your topshelf. And we hope you appreciate it.”
Casper shuffles through the mags
Fade to black
Fade in
Viewing area - plate of biscuits on the floor
Phyco: “This is where it all happens… we like to make it as much like a Gentlemens Club as possible… help to view the project objectively… um [points to garland] Brazilian Butt-fest there look… [the black board - picks up pole] these are the qualifiers… this is what it takes to get a Casper & Phyco Certificate of Qualification… [tapping the blackboard list] No Acting… speaks for itself… No Music… ditto - with the odd exception… No Dubbing… one of the worst crimes in the world - thankfully in decline since R18… No Editing… virtually impossible but we don’t want to see it… No Trainers [glance]… come on… and finally… No Nonsense… i mean… this is hard enough as it is…
…right lets get to work”
VIDEO
Popshots [Diabolic]
120ish Minutes Starring ALL of the Anabolic Diabolic chicks - porn’s finest stock by ‘alf - unless you’re Casper - in which case they’re all about 20 years too young
Phyco stands up - adjusts trousers - unwraps a tape and inserts etc. straight into fast forward - all the way into the action
Casper: “Oi don’t do that - press play”
Phyco: “Yeah alright i’m just getting to the good bits”
Casper: “You don’t know where the good bits are gonna be - we can’t hear it - now press play”
he pokes Phyco
Phyco presses play and automatically hands Casper the headphones - which he puts on - Phyco starts to slowly increase the volume knob…
Phyco: “Say when”
Casper: “…Okay”
They’ve done this a thousand times.
Phyco picks up a cheap mic and switches it on…
Phyco [into mic]: “How you getting on with this? Anything stand out?”
Casper [shouting]: “YEAH… IT’S ALRIGHT”
Phyco [to crew]: “Very important is the sound to Casper… a very audio orientated fellow… we always say - we’re looking for oral… anal… and AURAL… the 3 A’s…”
Casper [loudly]: “This is brilliant”
Phyco [to crew]: “We review each product on the basis of… qualification… merit… and value…”
Casper [loudly]: “This is shit”
Phyco [to telly]: “there she goes - arse over tit… jesus this is full-on… nothing but facials… back to back batter…”
Casper [loudly]: “This is brilliant”
…they both watch silently… Casper starts pounding an exercise grip furiously… screeach screeach screeach screeach screeach screeach… the sound’s of porno getting hysterical… Phyco’s head sinks into his hands…
Phyco: “Jesus… I’ve watched too much of this stuff man…”
Casper [loudly]: “This is shit”
Phyco: “One ejaculation relentlessly follows another ad nauseum for 2 hours… this is art…”
Fade to black
Fade in
Earlier:
Phyco: “We don’t learn all the names and stuff… it’s more like… “Oh her”… or… “Ah that’s him”… y’know?… it’s all very much in the visual sense… we’re not out to win mastermind… we just… tell it like it is… [looking back to film in testing]… now that’s nice [pointing]”
Fade to black
Fade in
Popshots revisited:
Casper throws the head phones off…
Casper: “This is shit. And it’s your fucking fault for going there. Now you’ve probably spoiled it. This is more like a cookery program than a porno - your sick.”
“Why didn’t we review the UK Hairy Housewives DVD that the porn shop gave us?”
Fade to black
Fade in
At the desk in presenters mode - Casper reads a porn mag carefully
Phyco: “That one came from downstairs at the Soho Bookshop opposite Liverpool Street station… check’um out - good range, well organised shelves - excellent customer services… discrete initiatives… fair prices… we are Casper and Phyco… this is The Independent Porn Review… [brandishing a mag] this is an old Knave we’re rediscovering this afternoon, and until the next time…”
Casper perks up - they chime in unison, flick, point and wink:
“Have a nice wank”
Casper checks his watch and fucks off sharpish Phyco gets pissed on Gin and worries about the phone bills.
Fade to black
Title: www.casper-and-phyco.com
Fade in reprise
Casper & Phyco are in a field by a country lane - creeping around the ditch - the sounds of the countryside very much in evidence. They’re placing carrier bags full of porn mag’s in the hedgerow.
Phyco: “…just keeping the legend of “the porn fairy” alive…”
Casper: “Some young lad on a grumble-hunt will think all his christmas’s have come at once!”
Phyco: “This is how we started out - hedge creeping. This is real philanthropy you know.”
Casper [looking into a bag]: “Hang on! We’re not giving this one away… it’s got sentimental value this one… I’m keeping this…”
Long shot: Casper stuffing the mag down the front of his suit trousers. Phyco’s in the ditch hanging a bag from a branch.
Fade to black