Casper & Phyco are being interviewed by telephone for a London newspaper. C&P are both squeezed up to the same handset…
Interviewer: “Okay! Casper and Psycho!”
Phyco: “Ummm… it’s PHYCO… not Psycho… everybody says that… it’s P-H-Y-C-O… Phyco…”
Interviewer: “Oh… errr… Okay! Casper and Phyca, just some sim-“
Phyco: “No… it’s Phyc-oh… “Oh”… Phyco…”
Interviewer: “Look… i’ve just got a few simple questions for you… can I get started?”
Phyco: “Proceed”
Interviewer: “What trait do you most dislike about yourself?”
Phyco [quickly]: “Underestimating my naivety”
Casper: “Oh for fucks sake!”
Phyco: “What?!”
Casper: “Don’t fucking start”
Phyco: “I’m not startin’… I’m just answering his questions…”
Interviewer: “Err… what is your idea of perfect happiness?”
Phyco: “A nice fancy wank”
Casper: “Fuck off! Fancy wank’s are bang out of order”
Interviewer: “What’s a… *Fancy Wank*?”
Phyco: “Y’know… well planned… set out… all the paraphernalia…”
Casper: “A poof’s wank”
Phyco: “A nice hot bath waiting… mag-of-the-moment… in this case the new Extreme Razzle… a pound of soft butter…”
Casper: “Bollocks. Prison wanks are where it’s at.”
Interviewer: “Well what’s a *Prison Wank*?”
Casper: “Heavy friction… ZERO preparation…” [To Phyco:] “What about that menthol shit you had?”
Phyco: “Elbow Grease? The finest product known to humanity… i’ve just run out… it’s very worrying y’know - they won’t send us any more…”
Casper: “Look… Can’t you see that what you’re doing is wrong?”
Phyco: “Ummm… actually it’s not wrong… the rate you’re going you’ll be burnt out by time you’re 30…”
Casper: “Well at least i’ll sign off with my dignity.”
Phyco: “There’s no dignity in a prison wank Casper…it’s -“
Casper: “A MAN’S wank… that’s what it is son… a man’s wank…”
Interviewer: “Ummm… what living person do you most despise?”
Phyco: “A “man’s wank”, dear boy, is one which serves to reward the practitioner with all due pleasure.”
Casper: “All due pleasure?! You call smearing jelly all over your soldier “all due pleasure”?!”
Phyco: “Indeed I do.”
Casper: “Fucking soft boy”
Interviewer [coyly]: “Who or what is the greatest love of your life?”
Phyco: “And anyway… don’t you get sore?”
Casper: “Yes you get sore… like it’s meant to be… a hard… punishing affair… blistered and torn…”
Phyco: “Ah! Thankyou! Now you are right there… that stuff you look at is indeed *punishment*… all them old bags”
Casper: “What? Me wives?! Oh and all that teen shit isn’t?! Look mate… mature ladies at home is what it’s all about… it’s REAL sex Phyco… not your contrived… rehearsed bullshit shot in a fucking studio!”
Phyco: “It’s not shot in a studio Casper… and it’s just as real… it’s just that the birds are worth rolling your sleeve up for.”
Casper: “Listen pal… those birds could shoot their scenes in their sleep… where as my ladies… well they really know how to put their back into their work.”
Interviewer: “Er… lads?”
Casper: “Because they love what they’re doing see… they’re not giving it the large one… not trying to build a fucking career out of it… not in it for the money… they are sincere, they don’t care what they look like…”
Phyco: “You’re right there”
Casper: “They care about the sex…”
Interviewer: “Hello?”
Phyco: “Oh and the Anabolic girls don’t?!”
Casper: “Well… you can’t relate to them can you?”
Phyco: “Hang on… we’re talking about a wank for chrissake!”
Casper: “EXACTLY! And that is why the details are so important… so take your posh cream… and your pretty little fucking prom queens… and give me my wives”
Interviewer: “I’ll sign of then guys… alright?”
Phyco: “Keep your gnarly old cows Casper… i’ll sleep with a clean conscience.”
Casper: “Which is more than you can say for your nob… all covered in fucking lotions”
Phone cuts out.
Phyco [sulking]: “I’m gonna phone St. Ivel and ask if they want to sponsor us.”
Casper: “Right… and while you’re there… phone them magazines and get them to do a feature on us… at this rate i’ll never get a job as a runner.”
VIDEO
Hardcore Innocence #3 [Elegant Angel]
90ish Minutes Starring Maria, Rubin, Maria Ricci, Amanda, Dina Perl, Donnatella, Niki Blonde, Pinty O’Ke, Anastasia, Alberto Rey, Nacho Vidal, Toni Ribas and Franco Roccaforte.
Phyco:
s Yet another nougat from the Harmony mailorder mob… the only place you need to make the old boy bleed… quality service - cracking produce. Link’um here
“Hardcore Innocence” volume three… “You’ll like this!” promised the email, and to their credit - Harmony really hit the nail on the head with this roundhouse rascal that pack’s a perfect punch in the name of criminally cute HARD core porn: yes it’s that new breed of tough-house that’s dominating the posh gonzish lines… a situation exemplified by a recent chat with long-standing collaborator Jimmy Jizz:
Subject: “Have you heard of slap happy??”
“ive got some scenes on cd, i’ll burn it for you, its more of a slap em round the face and choke them with your cock till they gag, i think he actually holds her nose in one so she cant breath…….i’ll burn it for yo. You got anything fresh in at the moment?”
…it would seem that in the endless quest to get harder faster nastier the stateside merchants are pushing the blue line with an ever increasing tendency toward subtle teen beating scenarios and punishing fuckery. It’ll certainly give the Fem’s something to menstruate over, well the ugly one’s anyway, as the market gets what the market wants…
…not that “Hardcore Innocence” is particularly, um, violent though - we’ll do a special report on that angle soon - it’s just that it uses that dog/cat combination of wolfish woodsmen and heart-achingly petite chicks that results in a real “in-the-moment reality trip” that encourages a “3D perspective” rather than the “2D vibe” that porno often assumes… headache material in many ways… um… yeah this aint “rough house” or anything, it aint as anal as a Diabolic, and it’s glamour mag gloss gives it a clean sheen that go’s a fair few moves beyond the Paul Raymond printed shoots… I really think this caters to the British taste you know - and that seems to be the surprising truth behind the Elegant Angle brand and a few key titles in the range: It looks like Razzle - It fucks like an Anabolic.
Bit of a problem with Nacho Vidal though… I still find him far too OTT on the funny-faces and awkward positions front… it’s a taste thing I suppose - but the other geezer’s not without talent and so the key scenes tend toward the first, the fourth, and the final… with the first routine being of notable merit - wank mag solo shoot ascends into hardcore - does everything - and lands on a tongue slap. Fucking excellent pornographics, right up there in me top 5 of all time - an instant classic… buy the tape for it alone!
Dunno her name
Oh, I could do this stuff y’know… throwing me fuck-puss over some saucy tearaway for an hundred quid and an hot meal…
Casper:
You could’nt do a fucking porn shoot son! Your cocks too small.