Thank god for the heaven-sent Hot Rod Productions who have kindly supplied a mammoth hamper of wrist buscuits with which to continue the noble SEARCH for the ultimate in UK available knocking-pop… always a pleasure to do business with, the Hot Rod Prod’s are consistently delivering the highest quality chuff Britain could possibly ask for… we wouldn’t be here without them… have you ever tried to persuade a pornographer to send you their material for free?
Phyco’s on the phone…
Pornographer [suspiciously]: “Hello?”
Phyco [business mode]: “Hi, my name’s Phyco from the Independent Porn Review…”
Pornographer: “Never fucking heard of you”
Phyco: “…we’re interested in promoting your brand in exchange for” [phone goes dead]
…but the admirable H.R.P’s are so keen to build on their reputation as the UK’s number one spooge vendor that it’s easy to forget there’s anyone else in the market! Their real strength is in their range you see… something for everyone - take a look through our archives - it’s all in there - from the sort of thing we like, to the sort of thing our Nan likes… the full fucking picture… Hot Rod “Blue” for the upmarket glamour packages with superstar credits… Hot Rod “Raw” for plundered shit-box in lo-fi tones… Hot Rod “Gold” for the old classics… guess which line we favour?
And… Not only have they saved our skins with a ton of red “Raw” naughties, but they’ve also gone and come up trumpton with that elusive TRANSEXUAL number we’ve been hanging out for! So commercially inspired sycophancy aside - without further ado’s… we find out…
at last…
if we like it…
VIDEO
Gia Darling’s Transsexual Heart Breakers 2 [Hot Rod Raw]
78 Minutes Starring Gia Darling, Shara, Gina, Nicole, Alisa, Paul Morgan and Arturo
Phyco:
Now let’s just get this into perspective…
The sheer volume popularity of pornographic routines featuring men transfigured to resemble women should by no means be underestimated… take a look through the prostitutes cards on offer throughout London’s telephone boxes… we’re looking at an average of one in two cards advertising the services of geezers with teasers - fifty percent of the market dedicated to boys who like girls that are really boys but look like girls… everyone we talk to in the porn industry says the same thing: Transsexual is MASSIVE…
…so based on the statistics… every second one of you, our readers, prefers their girls to be sporting a full fruit-bowl given the choice… in a decision between a plump little Jack and Danny… and a great big purple ended John Thomas… around half of you will opt for the cock over the socket every time…
…to continue with the demographic analysis… there’s two of us… so which one of us will be patting the pasty… and which one of us will be sucking the sausage?
Let’s find out… Casper… you ready to ride?
Casper [v.anxious]:
I’m shitting meself…
Phyco:
I’m taking it out of the box…
Casper:
Ooo fucking hell…
Phyco:
I’m putting the cassette into the video…
Casper:
Oh dear… here we go…
Phyco:
I’m reaching for the play button…
Casper:
Oh for fucks sake just fucking play it will you…
Phyco:
Here it is… the copyright notice… brand bits… credits… here it comes… the freak with the deek… top tits and bottom bits… fag hag and ball bag… pinky and dinky… cat with bat… shady lady…
Oh… jesus…!!!
It’s… it’s… she’s bloody lovely! A fucking stunner! Oh fuck-ing-hell… Casper? what’s going on?!
Casper:
!!!!!
Phyco:
It’s hard to know where to come at it from… talking from a purely aesthetic perspective… there’s little to worry about… a cracking little mynx this first-up Mexican… pretty little feet… good form… glamour looks… but with a fucking penis…
Casper:
Listen to its fucking voice! Those groans are mens groans!
Phyco:
…other than that - good stuff really… poor poppage[s] aside… a new sort of rude…
Perhaps the most challenging footage for viewers will be the sight of the nutsack dangling below the fudge tunnel as it recieves its due portion… essentially banditry…
But no need to panic! It’s all just a bit of fun… filthy fun granted… but half the western world can’t be wrong… it’s just one more bellend at the ball… and it looks like everyone’ll want one sooner or later… we’re talking good looking creatures all the way through here - so you might say that if you find the prescence of MEN off putting in your popping cotton then this type of product will see you through… girl/girl with gristle… a sort of a “discreet vehicle for a cock”…
“Gia” the host is a nice… umm… boy? girl? what’s the protocol? Anyway… an amiable chapette… who links all the scenes together and puts her own tuppence hapenny’s worth all over her belly in one oddly steamy scorcher of a scene - which after all - is essentially a bloke having a wank on a bed… all very confusing… but “good porn” never the less… so suprised to say - it’s a thumbs up for gender benders in this shock-tastic dickathon…
But of course… it’s not my bag… not at all… no sir-eee…
…because there’s no facials in it.
Casper:
Cor… who’s that playing the guitar solo?
Phyco:
Errr… this is hardly the time for soundtrack asides!
Casper:
Yeah but it sounds like Gary Moore… bloody good music in this…
Phyco:
are you… avoiding this issue Casper?
Casper:
It’s wrong… it’s fucking chutney stuff…
Phyco:
You gonna have to reject it then?
Casper:
I’m going to take a dump and I’ll think about it…
Phyco:
If you fancy your chances of winning this bent-gem… simply send us an email telling us why you want it so badly… the most impressive argument gets the video… don’t forget to include your address…