4 Days Starring The Queen and everybody else in the British Empire
Phyco:
To celebrate our right royal regina’s 50 year stint on the big golden chair I crawled humble as a servant through the pork-pile looking for a 1977 retro-rooter with which to Rejoicus Rex for the old girl’s another-25-years special… but I couldn’t find anything we hadn’t already seen… so we agreed: “whats ten years between downstrokes?” and so opted for a true [American] British institution born a whole decade later in 1987’s “The Best of Electric Blue” volumes 5 and 7 exclusive…
Ah the way we were! 18 certificate glamour tosh masquerading as full-ball bashing-batter in the days before the UK’s guardians of morality admitted the VCR truth about human intercourse and enabled the ushering in of the majestic R18 era… unimaginably poor porridge in every way this… and a very slim chance of juicing your cockles - but fuggin’ilarious through bong-fog… if you will
Bosh… US magazine style reportage stock footage:
Soundbite 1. “…a new form of instant decadence has become extremely popular”
2. “Hot sweatin’ skin swept up in the heat of the beat…”
3. “…driving onlookers onto new heights of erotic ecstacy”
and 4. “As the President of the United States of America I can personally guarantee that no slimy little terrorist is ever gonna get his filthy hands on America’s tits” etc.
…weaving skit-for-skit - a cross Atlantic double act - through the shiny UK produced *glamour sketch show* anchorage:
Soundbite 1. “Corrrr… phwooooaarrr… oooopphhh… krrrrrr..oooo..ooarrr…”
2. “Wankee Wankee!”
3. “Whooooooooooooop Boing!”
4. “What do you think of the Libyan position?” - “I dunno.. I’ve never tried it…”
5. “Well i never come that way before!” - “Ah - must of been the cobblestones”
and Six. “Ooh! Is that Johnny Rotten?!” - “Err no I bought it at the chemist yesterday” etc.
…great big oily old school boob workouts… idiot comedy routines… Ricky Diamond’s unforgettable anchor man antics… powerful prog Korg soundtracks… a young John “Buttman” Staglianno even crops up in one particlularly shit-tastic Sci Fi skit:
“How did you feel when you lost your hardon?”
“I dunno man… maybe I’ll become an accountant…”
…retro-bloody marvelous… and at a time when we reflect on fifty years of modern onanism… remember… twenty years ago… when you’d be in the video/grocery shop eyeing those big ol’ VHS rascals up on the top shelf? The lurid lusty lure of them ‘lectric blues? Well you can WIN this lovely vintage double act from Electric Video simply by paying money into the Million Pound Wank… what are you waiting for? Permission from the Queen?
And this seasons runaway right-hand favourite?
…gotta be the lovely *Janine* in Eastenders… I’d go a pair of tenners on her any day! Pure “Anabolic” in every sense… buxom “bombshell” chops you could really froth your broth off on… BBC1 - How about a hardcore after-the-watershed spinoff? “One up the Walford with the Butcher of E20”?
In retrospect - we should have done a piece on pissing videos to milk the “Golden” thing…
Casper:
I’m not watching these… I’m not watching anything… because I’m not working on a fuckin’ bank holiday!
FREE WITH THIS ISSUE & DEDICATED TO THE CROWN…
EXT.CARPARK.DAY
C&P are sitting in the car… a lot of skunk smoking/choking etc… our cameraman is in the back seat…
PHYCO: “…simple as that… we know what we’re looking for… we know what we want… know what we like… we’re gonna do it for ourselves”
CASPER: “Right - so who is this geezer again?”
PHYCO: “Jimmy Jizz… he’s our woodsman…”
CASPER: “And we’re supposed to be…?”
PHYCO: “We’re Casper and fucking Phyco from the Independent Porn Review man!”
CASPER: “So… Where are we?”
PHYCO: “Camden Tescos… meeting Jimmy Jizz… who’s our woodsman…”
CASPER: “Right… and he’s willing to let… you… film him… havin’ it off… on video??”
PHYCO: “…well… erm…”
CASPER: “Dirty little cunt”
PHYCO: “well… he says he’s up for it so… we advertise now on the website for a bird to do a scene with him… put a clip of him challenging the porn world to a bout… y’know… then we produce… package it all up… nice branding… nice and easy… million pound son… million pound…”
CASPER [very seriously]: “I want cheap cigarettes on the bed side table - all in one patterned eiderdowns - shaded table lamps - digital clock radios - collectors plates on the walls - clearly visible video collections - family photo’s on the mantlepiece - knock-at-the-door-panicking - old cups of tea - “
PHYCO: “…e’are… this is him…”
They get out - black suits - all very cool until
PHYCO: “JIZZ-AHS!!?”
CASPER [gangster]: “Alright son??!”
PHYCO [hypomanic]: “Casper! This is Jimmy Jizz! he’ll be putting up cock for us in the first of “C&P’s Original Cuts”… think you can take the heat Jizz??” [comic jab/uppercut etc.]
CASPER is suspicious and overbearing - doing a very good Dave Courtney… PHYCO is being a terrible cunt
Later
PHYCO: “Right! Shall we… errr… get this *screentest* done then… Sonny Jim? The… screentest… for the camera… website… challenge…”
JIMMY JIZZ: “Fuck off… What do you want me to do?”
PHYCO [To camera]: “well… y’know…”
JIMMY JIZZ: “If you think i’m fucking… having a wank in front of you lot”
PHYCO: “Nah Nah Nah!”
JIMMY JIZZ: “you can fuck-off mate… your takin’ the piss…”
PHYCO: “No Jesus! I wasn’t suggesting that you… um… Casper?! Oh I don’t fucking know do I?! What are we fucking meant to be doing?!”
EDIT - Camera view from the backseat of the car - CASPER, PHYCO and JIMMY JIZZ are outside arguing fiercely… later… C&P get in the car…
PHYCO [insane]: “Well I think that went well!”
CASPER: “…slag gets his fucking cock out in front of me… I’ll fucking pan him I tell you…”
PHYCO in utter despair
CASPER [relights]: “Right… so when do we meet the Doris?”
Kangaroo start… fade to black…