108 Minutes Starring Skylar Knight, Alexandra Nice, Adajia, Harmony Grant, Amber Michaels, Alex Foxe, Keri Windsor, Joey Ray, Mark Davis, Rob Scott, Evan Stone and Erik Everhard
Phyco:
Mmmmm… now what would Patrick Bateman make of all this? We asked Hot Rod Productions for this one when we were still in “American Psycho” mode [see “Adrenaline” in the archive] and keen on the “big budget hardbodies”…
And it’s a BIG big budget bootie this - with costumes and SFX and lines and all sorts… but, unlike Arenaline, this one’s clearly aimed at the lay-deeze… or maybe the weak sensitive types - the prince in the tower of Python’s “Holy Grail”… but “He Who Dares… He who dares…”
It’s definately “girls porn”… new age music… slow motion soft focus… romantic vignettes… “stunning set pieces”… knights-in-armour… swords-and-saucy-sorcery… what’s going on?! It looks fantastic… but condoms in the dark ages? I will say that the sex is quite hard given the wrappings - heavy duty cock-sucking… top-end performances from the industries big shots… there’s even a healthy dose of good old fashioned sodomy… but condoms?! Bah!
Take note: there’s some serious wood on the firm here in Davis, Everhard and Stone… and the girls are all A-list crackers… but the action is kinda “muted” to suit the pan-pipe mood… and a few ill-advised post production effects give a somewhat cheesy/retro feel [check out Everhards dungeon facial - a splendid chuff-nugget that descends into some kaleidoscopic freak-out on the melt down… otherwise a bloody good squeeze of the sponge from the Anabolic team regular]… ummm… oh let’s face - it’s the one you have to sit through with your bird on the off chance you’ll get a sofa-nosh… it’s all good fun after all aye?… one for her birthday!
On the subject of femme-friendly… and if you’re in London… check out Coco de Mer on Monmouth St WC2… they’re not selling porno as such yet… but soon… until then its a veritable Sadean wardrobe… chockfull of assorted erotica… french whore’s pants… ivory hewn dildo with feather… lubricious publishings… hollowed out book with antique-wax-instrument secreted within… that sort of thing… quite “Goddess” in some ways… but so much more *Viv’ Westwood*… which is what “Goddess” could do with being so much more of… a splendid testimony to the liberal shift in the UK… original to the point of sublime… This is the kind of thing we do now in order to attract commercial investment in the shape of sponsorship by the way…
“Goddess” is another Hot Rod Bluey… evidence - should you need it - that they’re really exploring the full gamut of the spectrum with their enviable range of UK licensed hardstuff… so give it a go - you’ve nothing to loose…
Phyco: “Oi… Caspus… y’see old “Skinner” and “Baddiel” have been pissing on our plot in that FHM?…”
Casper: “Seen it? I’ve fucking read it! What are we going to do about it?”
Phyco: “Well… we haven’t… got room for the both of them out there…”
Casper: “…We’re going to have to interview them. Sort it out…”
Phyco attempts to set up an interview through their management company…
Phyco: “OK… I think that’s it… so… what are we gonna ask them… What if it was your fucking daughter?”
Casper: “Ummm… Mr Skinner… when speaking to Eddie Izzard, you once referenced “Twin Jets” as a post sexual urinary phenomena. If we are being honest, I think we all know this is a much more common occurence as a post masturbatory phenomena. Does this make you an habitual wanker?”
Phyco: “Okay… Is it gonna be a wet wank… or a dry wank lads?”
Casper: “Club or Razzle?”
Phyco: “UK vs USA?”
Casper: “Mr Badiel, you once walked off with my therapeutic squeeze-ball in the Cobden Club. Are you the type of guy who doesn’t return borrowed tug vids?”
Phyco: “Spastic snuff… right or wrong?”
Casper: “Does your birds mind?”
Phyco: “Hang on… I thought you 2’s were banditos anyway??”
Casper: “… or maybe just… What the FUCK do you think you’re playing at talking about porn like that on OUR MANOR?!”
Phyco: [Sigh] “I’ll get the shovels…”
Casper:
Ahem… where were we?
Oh my Goddess!
More pomp than “Carry On Up The Nile”…
This is as big budget as it gets… and in the world of Casper… that means this is as shit as it gets…
I wanna see people fucking in their front room not on-set in Universal Studios!!!
This is… “Nonzo”…
We’ve got Mark Anthony mincing about like an Egyptian Prince “making love” to mythical female creatures… but if I’m honest - it was so full of special effects it was like watching the “Mummy Returns” on mind altering drugs (which I have done y’know) the only thing remotely realistic about this blockbuster presentation was that blonde guy’s penis resembling the infamous Egyptian Asp… The only difference being, she shoved it in her gob as opposed to “against her breast”…
This is not my bag, but if you want to impress the missus with a bit of tasteful high budget malarkey… stick it on and stick it in!
Every girl dreams of being Cleopatra… so get to work on her pyriamids!
p.s. I did manage to use this…
Some time later…
PING! “Thank you for your email; we do not have any press time aside for Frank and/or David at the moment. If the situation changes we will be in touch…”
C&P: “Skinner…. Baddiel… with yer Buttman this’s and your… Anal Sex that’s… get down yer own fuckin’ end!”
FREE WITH THIS ISSUE!
The Second in a Series of Two…
It’s everybodies favourite finger… Ben Dover’s… in the Bathroom…
Ben’s poking around in the cupboard under the sink - with his hand-cam - nudging things with his finger and whispering all the while: “…ooo look at that look… lovely little bit of old soap there look… and ooo lovely that look there look… that lovely little bit of Head & Shoulders look… cor yeah… fuckin’ ell look at that! Look! Ooo! Lovely little bit of U-Bend coming round here look… ooo… oh GOD! Coooorrrr… oooeeerrr… look at that lovely bag of salt there look… and Dettol look - that’s lovely that is look… oo yeah…. nice little bit of thick bleach see there look… oo yes… oh and look at that fuckin’ beautiful little bit of old rag tied round that pipe there look at that! Oooooppphh… bloody hell… look… at… that!” etc.
Phyco: “Bloody… “Baddiel & Skinner”… I suppose the real money’s in all the little extras aye… an appearence… a book… a review… an endorsement… a voiceover…”