150 Minutes Starring Lacey Duvale, Kiri, Fawna, Claudia Adkins, Britany Baer, Heather Lynn, Kati Crown, Kristana Black, Sebastian, Mark Davis, Chris Cannon, Jules Jordan and Erik Everhard
Phyco:
…while all’s well in the house of Casper & Phyco we’ve had a few “technical problems” over the last 8 weeks - mostly owing to our knowing nothing whatsoever about the web and its associated protocols and technologies: IT imposters we may be… stray ludites cruising the world of hi-tech in search of a viable Mac SCP client interface we most certainly are… but mark my bitterest of words when I say what a fucking slag of a time we’ve had trying to get the site working having switched hosts and lost the old C: drive on which the good works were done… so this long overdue and somewhat “tired” little update has been made possible by the glorious integrity of our new server the noblest Rokera while we say a sincerely sad but faithfully friendly farewell to our hosts up till now Vector Solutions…
And so it is that we’re over the worst and back online - slapping the batting strap harder than ever with a year-plan that would make your eyes water… stacks of up market tugging-mud from the UK’s own - the mighty “Hot Rod Productions”… a brand new “Casper Season” for the freaks among you… “Casper & Phyco - The Movie”… hardline political campaiging for the relaxing of the restrictions on the R18 retail scene and a ball-sack full of prize draw competition giveaways to keep our shelf tidy and keep you - our loyal friend and reader - faithful, in the manner of the shepherd pulling his dog off of an evening by the fire… until then it’s… on your marks… get set…
…Slap! First up and furious it’s an enevitable classic… can there be any doubt as to the Anabolic collective’s total and complete dominance of the dicking-pic’ woodpile? I mean - “Initiations 4” nearly put us out of business what with my hopeless pathalogical inability to consume any other fare for so long - and now the only title to tip the pop-top is in the shape of its logical son and heir “Volume 5”… Once again the delivery is impeccable - when it comes to camera work the big V is the daddy - all the best things in life: Pile-driving anal… Down-the-hatch facials… Pretty-as-a-picture teenies doing no-frills hard sets with no plastic tits or fancy drawers and no story line clutter [Our fascination with Hollywood feature lengths was predictably short lived]… Just the cutest fresh faced young scamps getting put through the paces by those tyranical dogs the Anabolic Initiation Squad… unbeatable beats from the kings of conk - my god if it’s not as good as it gets! The boys just know exactly how to play it cool - definitive woodwork from master cocksmiths…
Look out for that sensational rusky Claudia Adkins bolstering her trademark harder-hardcore with some quite charming cam-chat… a lovely closing credits interview - she’s fucking brilliant…
If you’re in need of boys-own hardened sport porn then… pick up an Anabolic title… there’s a whole range of specialised titles in the line [although “Initiations” is best for a cross-section selection of genres] running along the same main vein and they’re all widely available from any good bell-mongers priced £19.99 or a tenner for swaps if you live in the city… or… “whatever” off some mailorder company we can’t be bothered to research properly…
“Three parts Elbow Grease to one part antiseptic healing creme”
Casper:
Initi-bloody-ations my eye. It’s too easy… these birds could do it in their sleep! It’s got to be an effort. Faint heart never won fair cock. It’s not a trick love, it’s your bloody A and O levels.
We’ve got Vincey givin’ it the large one - trying to intimidate the girls and they look like he ain’t got nothing that would even raise their pulse! I remember once I went to a party… and at about 4 0’clock in the morning… I crept into a room… there was a T.V. and video… well of course I’ve pressed play and low and behold! there’s Mr Perry doing the business outside McDonalds in North Finchley! Anyway I pressed eject… and stuffed the item down my trousers… made my excuses and caught the nightbus home more excited than a junkie with a sack of smack…
…got home and put it on - and the picture was a bit shit - but this bird is trying to pass her A level, and all of a sudden - she lets out a scream as it all proves too much and the film quickly edited to a new scene…
FUCKING MAGIC!
Anyway… soon after that the tape snapped as did my banjo string…
KEEP IT REAL or don’t bother.
In my opinion we need a “mature” season.
Casper & Phyco:
COME ON - HELP US TO HELP YOU BY PAYING IN TO THE 5 GRAND WANK* TODAY!
*The Million Pound Wank is now being managed in workable bite sized chunks or “phases” - the first being designed so as to allow for the purchasing of a second hand Jag
FREE WITH THIS ISSUE - SPECIAL PREVIEW TRAILER FOR
CASPER & PHYCO - THE MOVIE!
EXT.PAUL RAYMOND OFFICES SOHO.DAY
Casper’s waiting outside because he’s wearing socks with flip-flops…. he’s holding the big skunk joint that Phyco’s been puffing and heaving on indulgently, the elevator pings open and Phyco gets in…
Casper: “…and get some free porn while your in there…”
Phyco: “Goooooing up!”
The doors close…
INT.PAUL RAYMOND OFFICES SOHO.DAY
The elevator doors ping open and Phyco comes spiralling out of the lift into a small area stacked full of cardboard boxes - he go’s fucking flying over the boxes and lands in a noisy heap at the foot of a big desk… 2 pretty young girls peer over…
Phyco: “Ummm… is this the reception?”
Girls: “Yeeeessss”
Phyco [scrambling to his feet and adjusting his best suit]: “Ahem…. I would very much like to speak to your chief executive in charge of content provision… please… Um… I represent the Casper & Phyco UK reviews offices and would like to negotiate a leasing of our brand… erm… our porn reviews website - in Razzle?”
Girls: [Sigh]
Girl1 [on phone]: “Bob… we’ve got some… bloke down here reckons he’s got some website content to sell or something?… OK…. yeah…. right… OK bye…”
Awkward pause…
Phyco: “Is he coming down for a meeting?”
Girl1: “No”
Phyco: “Oh”
Girl1: “he says you’ll have to submit your work via the usual channels… I’ll write the email addresses down for you here…”
Phyco: “Oh no no no! That’s fine… it’s okay… i’ve probably already got those email address….”
Awkward pause…
Girls: “Have you?”
Phyco: “Uh… maybe not… uh… yes thanks….”
Girl1: “OK?”
Girl2 [cheerfully]: “Have you got any photo’s then?”
Phyco [instant anxiety attack]: “Ohh… Um… Look - It’s just that I had a double espresso in Bar Italia and I feel like I’ve done a gram of coke…” [He starts going very purple - hyperventilating]
Girl2: “Errr… Would you like a glass of water?”
Phyco [near to tears]: “Um… yes please I think that’s a good idea…”
Very awkward pauses all ‘round…
Girl1: “Here’s the email addresses you need…”
Phyco [backing clumsily over the fallen boxes and squeezing into the elevator with the plastic cup of water spilling everywhere]: “Thanks… yeah… bye! Nice talking to you! Bye!” [now in a whisper] “Bye!”
Girls look on in silence as the elevator doors close…
EXT.PAUL RAYMOND OFFICES SOHO.DAY
Casper’s waiting outside because he’s wearing socks with flip-flops…. he’s choking on the big skunk joint, the elevator pings open and Phyco strolls out…
Casper: “Deal?”
Phyco: “We’re made son! We are fucking made!”
C&P UK
Blowing the horn of plenty since 1988