99 Minutes Starring Ava Vincent, Evan Stone, Jessica Drake, Julie meadows, Nicole London, Dillion Daqy, Alec Metro, Anthony Crane, Jack Palance, Harry Jacque, Danny Wallace, Jim Enright and Ric Rodney
Phyco:
*Sorry* for the delays of late… I’ll be quite honest… it’s “Anabolic Initiations”… In particular the concluding euro-belle who takes six cans of baby juice to her gullet when the 3 way DP/O setup she’s enjoying is decommissioned to make way for a triple-sack down-the-hatch shot… I really haven’t watched any other scene in over a month! It was making me ill…
Well… hardly any other scene… so what happened is - we both read “American Psycho” simultaneously and came out the other side feeling that:
• We should start watching “hardbodies” in big-budget-feature-narrative twat flicks.
• That we should spend at least 4 hours in the gym every morning and drink 20 litres of Evian a day, and
• That we should stop burying people in our own garden as it’s getting overcrowded…
Thanks - as ever - to the Hot-Rod-Prods who dished out a selection of EPIC dicking picks with which to make the change - First up: “Adrenaline”, and what a heartwork it is… let’s go…
I mean - first things first - this is a “proper” movie… the colour - the look and feel, it’s very high quality… the acting is sound, the sets are convincing, the editing top notch… but what about the fuck? Well, safe to say that no rude has been compromised in the making of this monster, all the filth remains intact - once you’ve resigned yourself to the depressing fact of an arse-to-mouth-free-zone and settled for the slick, polished action on offer - it’s a winner. And as for old chopsy in the leading male role - what a man! I never believed I could forgive a hairstyle of that volume… the chiseled jaw… the hard eyes… the ripped brown physique… i’m sure we’re meant to be panning this type of affair but it works! He pulls it off! It’s quite incredible…
And as for the cunt-up-front, same rules apply: Pam Anderson aesthetics… bleached blonde sex pot… cliche’d porno stylings… superb gumming work… good character development… bloody marvelous… but the real clincher with this deal has got to be the added bonus of… ON SCREEN VIOLENCE! The classic blend… irresponsibly ammoral homocide sandwiching hardcore grunt in a gun-toting Bonny & Clyde romp through the usual US backwater small-town in a kind of “Natural Born Fuckers” scenario… I couldn’t be more pleased! Evan Stone & Ava Vincent make a winning team, real cool… watch out for those flashbacks to the hotel-room with Ava wanking her pit with a grand in bills and a .45 - classic snatch!
In summary… this number proves that there is life after Gonzo… it’s a real movie, with sex that delivers… Friday night in… big bottle of Pepsi Max… lights down low…
You’ll have your missus downing popped-corn before the second scene!
Casper:
So… we experienced the backlash from our neo-realist movement to the Bret Easton Ellis fuelled 80’s, and as expected our tastes and culture prove cyclical in nature. We have seen elements of the 80’s (“the time that taste forgot”) slipping back into our mainstream way of life… Am I not mistaken in seeing a rennaissance of the “mullet” haircut? A more refined yet undeniable resemblence to the garish ladies fashion of “that” decade and more importantly the choice of daytime television - good old Jim Bergerac payed us a visit on ITV not so long ago and was followed by none other than the mighty combination of Arthur Daley and Terrence McGann.
Now … what I’m saying to you is, forget Billingham, forget the Grime Files, forget Faith (God help me!) and lets bring on the image-concious, money-hungry pioneers of the GLORIOUS 80’S! Lets talk about Peter North, lets talk about Five Star and lets talk about Patrick Bateman! We want to live a life preoccupied with self awareness and improvement, forget the artistic analysis of life - grit is no longer cool. Billingham - your time is up.
So fittingly enough “Adrenaline” fell into the lap of Casper and Phyco. Oh what sweet relief. A veritable bath in the essential oils that made the 80’s such a wonderful period. We are dealing with a feature length, high budget, plenty of frills, good looking actors and actresses kind of affair. A plot that would satiate the intellect of any 80’s head… Looks good with minimum intellectual effort.
Straight sex, a noticable lack of female objectification and most of all a happy ending! This is couple porn and although its hard to believe Casper’s getting wholesome on your ass. Coming up next week a review of the “Waltons”? So the neo-realism movement has ended… and in a climax unrivaled by any other, Casper and Phyco met the Godfather of Grit, every hard man’s hero… the mighty… the undefeated (allegedly) RAY WINSTONE!
THE SETTING - a rather chic and underground cinema in the sulubrious surroundings of Hampstead. Front row sofas and a bottle of Peroni, an old boxing glove and a tattered edition of the screen-play of “Nil By Mouth” were the only “tools” we brought to this meeting. We kicked off with a viewing of Winstone’s latest film “Last Orders”. For me the most memorable was Helen Mirren’s peformance, not only was her accent flawless, but she managed to nail the sicopation and dialect of an older lady. Older people inherently speak differently from their younger counterparts. It is almost like a universal different language that applies to older people right across the board. To describe it accurately is extremely difficult, to imitate it is almost impossible. In the eternal words of Casper - “All Hail Helen Mirren”… but I’m not going to give a detailed review of this film, suffice to say the casting is excellent, the story interesting enough to hold one’s attention and the acting superb - in short CHECK IT OUT. [Phyco: “What the FUCK are you going on about?! What about the sex scenes? You haven’t mentioned the SEX scenes! I’m still getting strokes off the strength of them scenes!”] So the film ends and you can hear the heart beats of Casper and Phyco in perfect chest thumping union… introduce Ray Winstone… LIVE in front of our very eyes… slipping in some amusing acting anecdotes - all the time looking hard and ready for a tear up… I can’t believe the way he smoked those “Bensons”! Fuck he’s ‘ard… Just like in the films. A long hard pull, a sharp intake of breath and then a waterfall of smoke from the nose…
The questions from “the others” present were quite purile, heckling to the tune of “you’re the Daddy” and inquiries into his swimming trunks in “Sexy Beast” were midly amusing, but not the dark revelations Casper and Phyco were looking for: What did the yard smell like when you were “shovelling it in the barrow”? Do you eat eggs and bacon every morning? What’s it like snogging Kathy Burke? Were you in the early episodes of Birds of a Feather? However, one question of note touched on the “patriotism” of the film, but was dismissed as “obscure” by Ray. On turning ‘round I saw the man who had delivered the question: A very small man with a full beard and round glasses… Was it Lennon? Was it Liam? No it was Tim bloody Roth trying to get a bit artsy fartsy, pseudo-intellectual with his question, cut to the quick by Winstone! On reflection Tim, this was a very British film and the war scenes would suggest an element of national pride, even if Ray did accuse you of being on drugs…
So the Q&A finished and we rushed over to get our interview in, me with my gnarled old boxing glove and Phyco with his screen play of Nil By Mouth. I think the star-struck Phyco managed “We’re big fans Ray” - not the usual eloquence one would expect from the boy. Oh what a night. He is everything you imagine - ‘ard as nails, honest, unpretentious and a nice geezer to boot!