Your Teenage Wives Double Bill [Strand Productions]
UK Girls “Housewives Gang” [Strand Productions]
McCavity’s Classic Voyeurs Volume 1 [Devlin Media Group]
All 60ish Minutes Starring Haven’t got round to typing it yet
A Life of Grime Special: The Grime Files [BBC1 Television 21:30 27th nov 2001]
30 Minutes Starring the very voluptuous dregs of contemporary UK society
Phyco:
Well the “Casper season” peaks with an intense week of activity as the UK’s premier pervert goes into a manic flat spin having been given an unprecedented free reign and choice of banging fat…
No less than 3 videos this week… each progressivly more Casperian, escalating with exponential reality as the quest for true grit leads to very strange lands indeed…
The new “Teenwives” tape sent in by the Strand mob [Nice one fellas.. keep ‘em coming] proved to be a trifling disappointment due to an appalling piece of ham sound editing over a key splat but a nice side-of-the-road gobble offers some redemption with its uncompromising through-the-window POV and motorway traffic soundscape… what you might call an “old school near miss”… echoes of Jonni-Cam testing our patience no doubt…[Phyco: “You like that dontya?” chuckle…]News does a good turn as per… I will mention the very interesting eighties theme to the styling and post production, it has got an amazing pop soundtrack - but only if you’re driving a small red sportscar happily hammering down the A30 during the crescendo of the Spring/Summer shift, and since you, on the other hand, will no doubt rather be kneeling shamefuly in the front room at the foot of the tv caught in a dusty shard of grim diffused light, glancing at the door nervously like a quivering paranoid greyhound it will only serve up misplaced chuckles and mirth almost in spite of the generous and sincere rudery evident in the performances. “Performances”… this stuff is supposed to be contrived… to push ones luck: “potentially post ironic”, this is the “backlash” shit we were ranting about a couple of weeks ago… I quite like it…
The UK Girls “Housewives Gang” are consistently pulling out results in line with the recently reviewed and raved about “Dirty Wives at Home”… there’s a fucking smashing midway anal routine here sporting more gritted teeth and flushed cheek wincing than we could wish for, with the celebrated Kriss News taking the Man Of The Match badge home after another set of winning deliveries - he’s certainly flying the flag - hence the C&P S.O.A… Good lad! And as a bonus topping old favourite Filthy Faith turns up in the concluding “gang bang” - she’s become like one of the family of late - always an honour dear!
Our friend McCavity offers a batch of carefuly choreographed peeping routines in “Classic Voyeurs” which proudly sports 2 to 3 levels of viewer abstraction delivering insanely granular treats: through the bushes, through the caravan window, through the crack in the door etc. with a superb background-noise heavy audio track that had the heart beating like a sex pests within 10 minutes of kick off… [Phyco: “I really thought Casper would ascend to heaven after this speciality number… I’m gambling on a delayed reaction”] Also good lob shots given the extremely lo-fi production values, but essentialy contrived so it’ll be of no use to the hardliners…
All of these little rascals are available “downstairs at the SoHo Bookshop” for a tenner, or £15 at the “Pirate of Soho” sexshop on Brewer Street where Billy, Lemar, Albert, Lee, Patrick, Karl and Charlie operate a refreshingly progressive floor policy… which is nice…
But the real suprise this week comes from Caspers insistence on placing the first place rosette on a terrestrial television program… so the righteous path leads us to the exalted heights of a BBC1 program “documenting cases of poor hygiene standards in the UK”… the question “WHAT IS PORN?” hangs from our lips like bacon rind…
“A Life of Grime Special: The Grime Files” kicks of a new series - following on from an earlier set of L.O.G instalments [which we sadly missed]… this little 30 minute marvel nicely pops the proverbial cherry atop the Mister Kipling tart in our obsessive pursuance of the hopelessly “real”… “We’re going to take a flick through the grime files” promises celebrity sellout John Peel as the action unfolds and our vicarious camera sets off on a golden brown voyage across oceans of animal excrement and harrowing domestic decrepitude…
Mrs Halliday with her cats… what a scene! What a woman! Scabs and scars and wonky glasses and filthy rags for clothes, crooning thru’ bronchial wheezing puffs… this is head melting gritcore the likes of which has never been seen… this makes Billingham look like Lautrec… without a shadow - the finest piece of hard hitting nasty EVER… “Ooo she’s purrrring” coos lady Halliday seductively as she flashes her orange teeth and panders the scraggy cat-in-question in a spray of lice and dried foul… truly, truly inspirational…
The girl-girl scene starring the tattooed lesbian Elvis getting the fuckin’ hump in fine “Nil By Mouth” style as her plague of animals attracts the attention of the authorities… more crippling scenes of domestic horror… nice an’orrible!
Batty-as-harris “Mrs Kass” with her “boxes of dogs” stacked up in her bedroom… pure serial killer sexuality from this wheelchair bound geriatric psychopath… oh! the hit from that crime-scene footage! 98 of ‘em, knee deep in dog shit and stuffed into fruit crates and piled against the walls… and with her bed in the middle of the room! Insanely gritty!
“Tonight Matthew - I’m going to be Ed Gein”, I thought I heard “Mr Dunn” announce before revealing his harem of Hens flapping haplessly about within his crumbling shit-hole of a hovel… “I’ve only got one pair of hands” he laments… go on son! This stuff is incredible! Who needs sex?!
This outrageous turn of events represents one of two things… either we’ve transcended traditional pornography altogether and discovered some new region of neoanthropic sexology… or we’ve taken too much acid… either way we’ve started wanking over unbearable scenes of socialy threadbare human dysfunctionality… and we’re both very scared…
…and just about getting over the horror, the sheer shock of seeing skeleton head Cilla Black onstage - doing a song an’ dance routine which involved faking an orgasm in a “sexy” leotard - at the peak of her porno bump-thrusting throb - illuminating her projected twat with a patch of fairy lights shaped in a love-heart, on the “Royal Variety Show” last night… the television is sick… [Casper: “Actually - I got something off that”] porn affords us our last island of safety in the world…
Casper:
So the Casper season comes to an abrupt yet satisfying end…
“Your teen wives” was a dissapointing start with some careless dubbing and camera work - a good “vehicle vacuum” at the beginning…
The next “U.K. Wives” in the line was a beauty with real birds getting a real seeing to, and it is at this time my attention turns to the man delivering the goods: All Hail Chris News! This is a solid performaer who needs no encouragement in showing the “mature actresses” a good time… He’s confident, and a credit to the industry. The climax of the film erupted in a cacophonic malay of sexual orgistic pleasure! One hell of a lunchbreak!
Enter McCavities world of peeping. We know how much I like this sort of thing, but although this would be suitable for novice peepers it’s not… developed enough for me… I’ll leave it at that…
Then it happened. I’ve been talking about the gonzo movement acoss all sections of society. Inside the porn arena we have the work of Mr Perry, “The Stagmun”, Vince Voyeur, Devlin Productions, Anabolic/Diabolic etc. Outside the porn arena we had “Ray’s A Laugh”, “Nil By Mouth”, and now… “The Grime Files”. This last phenomena came before me the other night… These RSPCA officers visiting deluded mentally ill Johnny Morris wannabes was the gritiest piece of art/television I have ever ever ever seen! It made “Ray’s a Laugh” look like a visit to Buckingham Palace! I don’t just like gritty porn I like GRIT FULL STOP! And these people verged on the “subhuman”… they were a shocking insight into the dark consequences of society! Fucking magic!
To finish… I’ve just seen Mr Perry on T.V… I’m sometimes a bit harsh on Dover, but I would like to catagorically state that i am a big fan, and his position in the porn debate was an honest and intelligent won. [Phyco: “Shameless arse kissing in case you bump in to him at the Erotica show! It’s disgusting!”]