116 Minutes Starring Felecia, Stephanie Swift, Claudia, Brooke Ashley, Melesia Maleens, Monti, Teri Starr, Toni James, Tye, Alex Sanders, Julian St. Jox, J.J. Michaels, Steve Taylor and Valentino
Phyco:
Well, old Hot Rod Prod’s throw ‘em over thick ‘n fast - here’s another from the “Raw” shelf…
Okay so it’s not going to change our lives, it’s not gonna reduce any issues or open any doors but all the same I’ll say it’s got some balls… all the basic frig pic formula’s from the man in the directors chair Terry Chase… girls sucking dick, blokes fucking girls, bloke cums on girl, she pretends to love it, he does an impression of a bloke going down on her, she does her accounts in her head while he jacks off over her tits, the pseudo lesbian nonsense that doesn’t know when to climax… aahh I suppose you’ve got to be in the mood… but seriously, this 98 number does seem a bit too nine-to-five for our keenly hewn senses, even if the action is built from professional back-to-back slabs of hardcore sex, well cemented with functional fluids and porngrease… I suppose there’s always some A-hole heavy hammering and G/G cum eating silly mischief in one of the two 3 ways but it’s all a bit “pornular”… “it should become porn when it’s watched… when it’s made - it should just be fucking”… ummm, once again this might be something for the only-got-one-tape brigade - a born hand-me-down… “swapping candy”.
I think we’ve seen enough of this sort of thing to be honest, “hardcore porn” is no longer all we’re about… it’s gone deeper than that, although I ought to make a point of throwing the spotlight over to the stoned blonde [no names these days I’m afraid - they’ve all merged into one abstract receptacle] who puts some nicely chilled efforts into emptying a quad of pods over her gurning boat… her troublesome DP cuts short to a facial either-side before we get to hear her say “okay that’s enough of that thanks” and the tight fitting affair gets dismantled… Ahhhh she’s so cute though, looks lost, numbed, a dopey eyed goer who fits an occasional bill in this camp and so gets the Phyco thumb… while we’re on this scene, an aside if you please:
Before popping wheat over her flushed chops - all batting eyelids and milk tongue, nice an’orrible! - we’re treated to this standard B/B/G 3 way, her on the floor between headless wood, pulling strings in a rock gobbling rope trick via the flat packed line up that sports a new, chilling symbolism… “A man standing up with an erection looks not unlike a tall office building with an aeroplane sticking out of it… double him up so that you’ve got a pair of similarly furnished uprights and you’ve got yourself a dark portrait of the ill-fated NY towers… but put a bird on her knees blowing the fuel out of the Jumbo’s twin tanks and you’ve got a terrifying contemporary socio-political metaphor with its awful irony echoing our deep western fears of late… but then she winks at the camera and licks her sticky lips… and we know it’s all gonna be alright… and we reach for the remote control to rewind the seed stealer.”
I suggest that in times of global crises the gene pool gets stormy and the waters break at the banks, more spillage = more porn required. There ain’t nothing like a war to get the boys pumping metal, eh? Anyway, I’m digressing, back to this double barreled chumming routine… the guy on the right - now his cock is so fucking bent it looks like it’s been cranked! I’ve mentioned this before - dominant penile deformities like this siphon off all the viewers attention, so that pure comedy sweeps over ones wanking mat with unwelcome chortles replacing hard earned grimaces, and back up the pipe creeps the porridge… foiled again!
Lets mention dog-boy who gets his custard lumped in the bathroom scene… yet another wannabe Rocco! Pah! [Don’t they realise that that mans magic is quite beyond emulation?!] The whole scene descends into a “spot the Roccoidal rip-offs” and so more hilarity ensues… and that copper schlong! It’s too much… but regardless of this shaven monkeys crimes against originality, she delivers an award winning side-on cheek splitter that rates well high in the BJ charts, but the old hound getting his plums sucked’ll have you barking with joy seconds later, and if you notice his additional likeness to UK’s premium satirist Chris Morris, you’re well onto a winner… absolutely fucking hilarious! It doesn’t stop there… Look out for him banging her on the bathroom sink… just look at those clock weights getting smashed against the marble in agonising close up for an excruciating 2 minutes! Watching this ape get his nuts panned of his own efforts is a joy to behold before CUT! to a “vertical reverse scissors” before she coughs up a beautiful concluding facial quite in spite of his banal antics… I tell ya’ she’s a real player this brunette… her subtly underplayed rudeness defeats his over the top saliva obsessed meddlings in fine fighting style. Which was nice…
There’s a girl-on-girl time waster to follow, who’s pouting little asian imp should get your base-rate up admirably - so you might want to check her out… Uummm…
The gob lobbings are the only key sequences here in my view, and so Rude Girls sits over *there* with all the other also-rans in that endless pool of inexhaustibly contrived fucking films who’s only redemptions lie in the reliability of a good chin-bound nob-off shot to cream the Kings cheese…
But, then again… I’m rambling…
Casper:
How can you go from MacCavity to this type of U.S. stuff?
And I thought we were getting somewhere…
Well… it’s alright, its definately rude, but it’s just contrived… You’ve got birds wailing, men doing “Roccoesque” acrobatics and a generally farcical aura surrounding the whole experience.
Personally, I thought it was “good for what it was”, with some serious “analistic chop suey” and I certainly got a few “lunchbreaks” out of it, but for god sakes lets BRING IT HOME!
Phyco:
“So that’s that then…”
Casper:
“OK… If we had our own film what would we do in it?”
Phyco:
“Well… The plot would have us find out all about the British underground porn scene, the real amateurs… y’know, the home made stuff”
Casper:
“Like Tommy’s video in Trainspotting?”
Phyco:
“Exactly - we’d run a talent competition throughout the land - to find the best - the most effective knocking-pop in the whole damn universe…”
Casper:
“Casper & Phyco’s Gonzo Porn Amateur Olympic Talent Competition?”
Phyco:
“Exactly - all the local kids would get involved like in a Cliff Richards movie… there’d be an inspirational soundtrack and an uplifting finale”
Casper:
“so…then we’d release our own line of amateur household compilations on… cable telly… and… get rich…?”
Phyco:
“Bingo brother - you’re through the processed pork and you are now staring at the egg!”
Casper:
“Okay… so you start work on the posters… and then go and get that new Razzle from the garage… oh and find out who that “Homegrown” bloke is… I saw him on the telly, he’s got curly black hair and he had a whole warehouse of videos that normal people had sent in to him… so go and find that… and…” etc etc etc…