A PORN REVIEW EXCLUSIVE!
TERA PATRICK GOES POSH… A SPECIAL FEATURE
Behold Casper & Phyco’s customised, highly intrusive, fact finding, hard line journalism strategy as it takes up it’s cause with porn’s prize princess Tera Patrick in this jaw-jarring special… Reap it…
Casper & Phyco:
What do you think of when we say “English porn”?
Tera:
A porn movie with english speaking characters.
Casper:
Without wanting to sound like a headmaster with one raised eyebrow looking patronisingly over his half- moon glasses resting firmly on the end of his generous nose there’s soooo much more to it than that! The grit… the horror… the -
Phyco:
Alright!
Casper & Phyco:
Joint or Bong?
Tera:
Joint definitely. I hate dirty water.
Casper & Phyco:
Good answer, she’s looking after herself.
Our lungs were sounding like a couple of sponge cakes soaked in porridge after years of ill-advised bongwronging with year old stagnant pond water…
The joint is eternal…
Casper:
Yeah… Skin up…
Phyco:
You skin up…
Casper:
Pass the bong then…
Casper & Phyco:
Top 3 albums of all time?
Tera:
The Beatles White Album - ACDC’s Back in Black - Led Zeppelin’s Zoso
Casper & Phyco:
Impressed…
Phyco:
Funny how people have their own way of referring to LZ’s 4th album… Tera shows a fans sincerity here with her use of the “Zoso” moniker - many a young scampish twat in the record-shop can be trapped with this must-know old chestnut…
Casper & Phyco:
Top tips for a shiny bonnet?
Tera:
Well, I’m not very hairy so I just rely on good shaving cream and a triple blade razor.
Casper:
mmmm… details please…
Phyco:
Leave it…
Casper & Phyco:
Beans or Peas?
Tera:
Peas. And I like them pureed with butter and salt
Casper & Phyco:
Oh It’s gotta be beans! More gritty… more “prison”… although peas can work if they’re part of a grotty pubs “Sunday Lunch” special served between 11 and 3 with “new pots” and boiling weak gravy.
Casper & Phyco:
Be honest… Your best “moment” on film?
Tera:
It’s not out yet but it’s a scene I shot in Budapest with a Hungarian man.
Casper:
Let’s hope it’s set in a back street slum and he’s operating the camera with one hand whilst pointing out the arbitrary details around the house with the other whilst all sorts of nastiness gets “accidentally” caught on…
Phyco:
So what can we deduce from these clues? Well there’s a good wholesome diet, a keen healthy awareness… a bit of a “lads lady”, not afraid to pick up an air guitar and “wig”… an all rounder who is happy-go-lucky, sporting-fit pretty and just happens to fuck for a living - so without delay we present… available from all good smut mongers…
VIDEO
Island Fever [Digital Playground]
85 Minutes Starring Tera Patrick, Julia Ann, Briana Banks, Bobby Vitale, Devin Wolf
Phyco:
She’s gotta be one of the prettiest players in the history of dicking vids… An impossibly good body-and-boat combo and an onscreen confidence that belongs to the world of high end glamour rather than the wanking gutter to which we report…
This is in fact, essentially “hardcore glamour”. Readers of Maxim type publications, as well as the British Top Shelf [Casper: only the glossy end!] will enjoy watching swimsuit routines get ruder than they’ve ever seen before in a variety of “desert island” set choreographed slo’mo sexy’s accompanied by a series of chillout new age soundscapes…
It’s a case of “how low do you go?” in that you’ll need to be either:
a) Unfamiliar with, and therefore unaffected by the contemporary nasty hardcore scene
b) Very keen on softcore beauties doing “stunner special” photo shoots
as this luxury number will provide a highly rewarding extension to the usual spectrum of “what you get to see”, and calendar girls don’t come better than Tera…. So it’s middle-shelf, ultra high quality hardcore that’s designed for the mass market to, perhaps enjoy their first video assisted wank to.
It won’t cause my cup to runneth over - so I can’t rate it highly… it’s from another world… a different face to porn… a flavour alien to our wretched nest… Tera Patrick goes upmarket, and it serves to remind us just how low we’ve gone… and there’s no turning back…
Casper:
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…
Now, before I go any further I want to say this is not going to be the usual “Casper one line review”, allow me to indulge in some “Phyco - babble”…
Tera Patrick is a star, and there’s abviously a market for this stuff, but it ain’t here!
This is like… “muzak”… It’s gentle… “couple” porn… I mean, I might as well have been watching fucking Baywatch! It’s the difference between me… listening to Ricky Martin… when I could be listening to… Lewis Taylor.
If men want to watch beautiful women having sex in a “sudo arty” environment with a cheesy soundtrack, fine… but let’s just delve into the psychology of porn a minute…
People watch porn for it’s “arousal potential”. It reminds them of what having sex is like, or gives them the chance to imagine it if they haven’t already had the pleasure. So tell me who the fuck has sex with the likes of Tera Patrick on a deserted paradise island?
The 80’s and a large part of the 90’s were a “glossy” time, people chasing money and revelling in the aesthetics of life; This is mirrored by the type of porn around at this time - Girls with surgically enhanced breasts, hairless beavers and loads of makeup - men like Peter North - huge muscles, huge cock and more spuff than a bull whale.
The millenium has seen a backlash with a huge rise in “Gonzo porn”, and in fact, the phenomenon of “gonzo” as a whole in society. Today we see the predominance of the mighty “Stagmun”, England’s “Mr Perry”, Vince Voyeur and that wonderful flick from Canada! [Phyco: FYI Nasty Team Players Vol 2] This type of porn is more REAL, it’s more indicative of what having sex is really like. The millenium porn watcher is an intelligent creature, and is not fooled by this glossy overproduced mischief.
We want real, gritty horrible sex - SO WE CAN IDENTIFY WITH IT!
The US market certainly has a stake in this glossy scene, but call me biased when I suggest: you don’t get more gritty than the British society as a whole. Think “Readers wives”, Will Self’s “The Nonce’s Prize”, Irvine Welsh’s “Acid House”, unemployment… think “Raffle” cigarettes, warm ale and think about the massive rise in the “British Amateur” scene.
Britain is gritty and horrible and proud.
The only real thing about this film was the size of that blonde guy’s cock!
This may sound harsh, but I didn’t even get a “lunchbreak” out of it… so no bogroll score.
Casper’s “furious”
Phyco:
Bloody hell boy, go on!