ThePornReview
Jan 26
“All the old review transcripts from Casper and Phyco at the Porn Review in reverse chronology below… enjoy”
— Casper & Phyco @ “The Porn Review”: The Original and The Best
[video]
Jan 05
THE FINAL EPISODE
INT.IPR OFFICE.DAY
Phyco has cleaned up since his beating, but the facial wounds are still apparent and his suit is still filthy and stained with blood…
PHYCO: “Right… let’s get some of this backlog cleared Casper… we needed to compromise, and you get Dogging… we keep reviewing… okay?”
CASPER: “Dogging comes first though.”
PHYCO: “Okay - I gave in… Dogging at night, reviewing during the day…”
CASPER: “Except in Summer.”
PHYCO: “Look let’s just get on with the job aye? Let’s have a look at what we’ve got…”
PHYCO starts rummaging around in a big box… Casper adjusts himself to a very formal, upright position - like he’s on “Who wants to be a millionaire”… Phyco emerges from the big box holding a DVD…
PHYCO: “Diabolic’s Cream of the Crop?”
CASPER: “Cream of the crap. Totally unreal.”
PHYCO: “Evil Empire’s Trained Young?”
CASPER: “Yeah… trained young a long time before they did this movie. Shit. Boring. Fake.”
PHYCO [despairing]: “Rocco in London?”
CASPER: “Bored of Rocco. All set up and contrived. Big-deal and Skinny probably rate it: it’s shit.”
PHYCO: “What are you doing?”
CASPER: “Just clearing the back-log.”
PHYCO: “Look… how we used to do it… remember?”
CASPER: “I always hated that. We should be out there, fact finding, digging deep, pushing the boundaries…”
PHYCO: “Ahem… Rocco Sifredi in London! So the noble Italian timber merchant numero uno does us the credit of wielding his wild wood on our sovereign soil… All Roccoidal nuances present and correct: genital gymnastics, sport-porn dynamics and hi-energy hydraulics are what Sifredi and Co. do best, and it’s all here and in order… A hard-balling stag flick for the man who sets his yardstick against the very best in rough cut sputtering clutter with - “
CASPER: “But it doesn’t mean anything Phyco!”
PHYCO: “Look… where are we going with this?!”
CASPER: “With what?”
PHYCO: “THE IPR! What’s it all about?”
CASPER: “I thought we were getting our own telly program?!”
PHYCO: “We are… soon… trust me…”
CASPER: “Good… till then we’re creeping around in the leaves.”
PHYCO [coyly]: “Lubed 4 Double Plugged?”
CASPER knock’s the tape out of PHYCO’s hand…
CASPER: “We’ve done that! That’s one of yours! If we don’t get our telly program soon I’m fucking out of here… and getting a proper job, and new clothes… I’m fed up with it!”
PHYCO: “Oh come on! We’re on TV again this Thursday night!”
CASPER: “What on?”
PHYCO: “That thing on 0898 numbers.”
CASPER [none the wiser]: “Oh yeah… but it’ll be like the last one that was on… that thing on Penthouse… you going off like a public schoolboy… proper ponce…”
PHYCO: “What?! I’m just trying to provide a presentable front! Fucking hell does anybody appreciate what I do for -“
CASPER: “Why do you put on that voice?”
PHYCO: “What voice?”
CASPER: “The posh fucking ponce voice.”
PHYCO: “I don’t… and anyway… you go all upmarket when you’re being filmed n’all!”
CASPER: “Fuck you…”
PHYCO: “You do! Hang on…”
PHYCO gets the video of the Penthouse documentary and plays it… C&P being pompous and posh…
CASPER: “Right I’m not doing it.”
PHYCO: “Not doing what?!”
CASPER: “0898”
PHYCO: “We’ve done it you daft twatt! It’s airing on Thursday!”
CASPER: “Oh… so it’s too late to change my voice?”
PHYCO: “Yeah… oh and also apparently they spelled your name wrong… C-A-S-P-A-R…”
CASPER: “Ahh that’s fucking charming that is aint it?!”
PHYCO: “Look Casper… if this is gonna work you need to focus on the project. We need a proper manager.”
CASPER: “What about that geezer at Megatron?”
PHYCO: “Who?!”
CASPER: “Slapperthon… whatever he’s called…”
PHYCO: “The proposal I put in to Zeppatron? I sent them a press pack.”
CASPER: “What the fucks our *press pack*??!”
PHYCO: “Y’know… a sticker… scripts and stuff…”
CASPER: “Scripts? I didn’t know we had scripts? Where’s my scripts?!”
PHYCO: “Right that’s it! I give up! Bollocks! You can write the scripts…”
CASPER: “Okay fine… I will write the fucking script:
Phyco: “Whine whine fucking whine”
Casper: “Tell that bloke… the Mysteron, that we’re coming down to see him.”
Phyco: “Oh alright - I’ll do it now.”
Casper: “Thank you. Now shut up. The end.”
PHYCO [coyly]: “Look… he said he’d be in touch.”
CASPER: “When?”
PHYCO: “He said the early part of this week.”
CASPER: “And?”
PHYCO: “Well… that’s between Monday and Wednesday innit… it’s Wednesday today… so he’s got till midnight tonight aint he?”
CASPER: “Fine. Best of luck to him. I’m going out round the carparks for a couple of hours. If he phones - you tell him we’re coming down…”
FADE OUT/IN
INT. IPR OFFICE. LATE NIGHT
PHYCO is sitting at a blank table with his mobile phone in front of him - head in hands - waiting… the sound of a distant siren outside…
FADE TO BLACK
REPRISE
EXT. CAR - SUBURBAN STREET - LONDON. NIGHT
Casper & Phyco driving slowly down a lit suburban street…
CASPER: “You sure this is it?”
PHYCO: “Well it took me long enough to find it out… yeah - I’m sure… this is where he lives…”
CASPER: “God bless your internet aye?”
CASPER pulls over onto the kerb…
PHYCO: “Cor! He’s got a nice house!”
CASPER: “Okay… go on then…”
PHYCO: “What?”
CASPER: “Go and tell him about our program.”
PHYCO: “Okay…”
PHYCO finishes another can of Red Bull and throws the can amongst others on the dash board…
PHYCO [very intense]: “Right… give me the bat…”
CASPER reaches under his seat and passes PHYCO a short wooden baseball bat…
CASPER: “What’s that for?”
PHYCO: “I dunno…” [very sinister] “In case he’s got a dog.”
FADE OUT
CHECK OUT C&P AT THE LONDON IPR DOING TELLY ON CHANNEL 5 THIS THURSDAY NIGHT 11TH SEPTEMBER… PUTTING ON POSH VOICES, TALKING ABOUT CRAP RIP-OFF SEX LINES AND GENERALLY FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE. NOW THAT’S ROCK & ROLL TELEVISION.
Until the next time - Take care of yourselves…
POSTSCRIPT:
PHYCO: “They cut our fucking scenes out from the 0898 program last night Casper!”
CASPER: “Not surprising really… probably had a problem with you talking like James Hewitt.”
ANAL OFFICE COCK-UP [RELISH]
EXT. CAR PARK. NIGHT
Casper & Phyco usher the camera over to a large bush.
On the other side of which we see the headlights from a car.
PHYCO [in a whisper]: “Over here… quick…”
Casper’s peering through a gap in the branches…
CAMERA P.O.V: Through the hedge we see that the car is shaking - a couple are having sex.
Casper & Phyco are huddled around the peephole occasionally glancing at the camera behind them with excitement.
CASPER: “Oooo… look at that… something for Phyco…”
Phyco peers in close. The camera joins him. The girl has her bare foot pushed up against the window as she gets fucked…
CASPER [to camera/whisper]: “That’ll slay him I tell ya!”
Phyco’s completely hypnotised by the foot against the glass.
Phyco slowly starts to push through the bush - to the other side.
The camera looks through and sees him slowly approaching the car…
CASPER [to Phyco/a whisper-shout]: “Oi! Get back here… we’ll get busted!”
But Phyco’s utterly spellbound.
Camera P.O.V through the peephole:
Phyco is standing 6 feet away from the rocking car. The sounds of heavy sex. The foot against the glass…
Phyco reaches out with his hand - visibly transfixed - in a trance.
He starts to slowly move forward… reaching out with his palm toward the window…
CASPER [OOS]: “For fucks sake…. get away from there! Whas he doing?!”
Phyco’s hand makes contact with the glass. The foot on the other side.
The rocking/sex sounds stop after a few beats. The GIRL in the car lets out a “SHRIEK!”
Phyco is still totally absorbed in the moment… the door on the other side of the car flies open and a young man gets out pulling up his pants and jeans…
MAN: “What the fuck do you think you’re playing at you dirty little cunt?!”
Phyco’s attention is broken, he looks up to see the man as he steams ‘round the car and attacks Phyco ferociously.
CASPER [OOS]: “Oh bloody hell… here we go…”
Phyco is getting his head kicked in as the MAN screams abuse at him… the girls opens her window and joins in:
GIRL: “Fucking kill him… perverted little shit”
Casper pushes through the hedge, the camera follows…
CASPER: “Alright alright… he’s with me… leave it out…”
The MAN is tired from his beating Phyco… he pauses to catch his breath… Phyco is on the floor, completely broken…
GIRL: “Who the fuck are you lot?! Have you been filming us??!!”
CAMERA [panicking]: “Uh no… I’m doing a thing on these two… we’re just passing by…”
Casper lifts up the body of Phyco and throws him over his shoulder. Phyco groans.
MAN: “You wanna get the fuck out of here a bit sharpish before I do something I’ll regret”
GIRL: “You aint gonna let ‘em go are ya?! Call the fucking police or something!”
CASPER: “Now come on… there’s no need for that… It’s a simple mistake… he hasn’t been well…”
Casper exits through the bush carrying Phyco… Camera follows…
GIRL [OOS]: “FUCKING SAD BASTARDS!”
FADE OUT/IN
INT. THE IPR OFFICE. NEXT MORNING
Phyco is waking up on the sofa with a series of troubled groans and grimaces… he feels his nose.
PHYCO: “Ow! Oooo what happened?”
Phyco sits up… he’s still in his black suit and covered in dried blood… his teeth and lips, eyes and nose are caked in it… his white shirt is utterly stained… Casper walks in looking sharp, adjusting his cuffs etc.
CASPER: “Morning! You sleep alright? You fucking penis…”
PHYCO: “Bloody hell… my nose hurts…”
CASPER: “Well start looking awake… we’re due down in Brighton in an hour…”
PHYCO: “What? You’re having a turkish aint ya? What are we doing down…”
He remembers…
PHYCO: “Oh fucking hell! We’re meeting Phil McCavity aint we??!”
CASPER [putting on his coat and swiping up car keys]: “Quite right… and we’re late… let’s go”
Phyco continues to gently test his broken nose…
CUT TO:
INT. CAR. DAY
Camera in the back, Casper drives along the motor-way… Phyco in the passenger seat still checking his damage in the pull down mirror… still horribly covered/stained in old blood.
Casper’s in mid flow:
PHYCO: “Cor look… it’s definitely bust!”
CASPER: “QUIET! I’m speaking… Now I would say that Relish is something you put on your burger - not on your screen. But this is new…”
Casper picks up a Relish DVD from the dash board and waves it to camera via the rear view mirror…
ANAL OFFICE COCK-UP [RELISH]
RUNNING TIME: 87 mins
DIRECTED BY: Hazza B’gunne
STARRING: Jo-Lee, Monroe, Simone-Claire, Taylor, Bev Cocks, Jamie Woods, Viper, Jay Scarman, Dries
CASPER [to camera]: “it’s moderately innovative and it’s amusing… but it begs the question “who wants to laugh on the vinegar stroke?” THIS IS NOT MY BAG you know, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its place. This is tickling the balls of the film genre, quite “Carry On”, quite “Benny Hill”, It’s a laugh, a bit of a giggle and to its credit - it delivers just the kind of material to close the job at just the right time. It’s one for the “fun wankers”… the FHM generation… The kind of people who are more interested in what type of mobile phone they have as opposed to the psychology behind a woman who arranges a meeting with 15 vagina starved men in a lay by on the M25. ITS NOT FUCKING DARK ENOUGH for me… but If you’re the kind of guy who likes polished well presented goods - this is for you. One to add to that impressive porn library on your Van Shckletar shelf in your converted loft apartment in London Bridge…”
Pause… Casper negotiates a turn-off…
CASPER [to camera]: “However, it did have something for me… The picture successfully managed to catch that gritty realism that is absent in all US high budget stuff. There was an hue, there were spots on the arses, and the accents - ohhhhh the accents! It wasn’t exactly “Judy and Shakina”, but neither was it Leanna from Serbia. Good… but not quite right… If cockney’s your bag it was short of the mark…BUT AT LEAST IT WAS BRITISH! The sound track was shocking - but isn’t it always? I don’t know why i bother sometimes…”
PHYCO: “I didn’t get much off it to be honest… I liked the car scene… quite Doggingish?”
CASPER: “Look!!! it’s good stuff, and more importantly I think this kind of thing is the future of the British market. These boys have struck a fine balance between the US/UK genres with a bit of slap and tickle thrown in. Whether its your banana or not - get used to it!! Relish are here to stay mate…”
PHYCO: “Whatever”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Episode 59: The death of the IPR as we know it…
Phyco: “What have we been up to punters?? No updates to speak of since chrismas?! Well it’s not easy doing what we do y’know… and these last coupla months have proved a real test of our mettle…”
Casper: “Tell them about your problems son… go on…”
Phyco: “I’m not the one with the problem mate… you’re the one that sent me to the countryside for 6 weeks for no good reason”
Casper: “You call crying all the time… and cutting your arms… and drinking bleach… and having bloody panic attacks in the middle of “Little Amsterdam” and staying up for two weeks on the trot looking on that internet - getting starry eyed obsessed over that boys-haircut little midget of yours with the feet…”
Phyco: “Do not talk about her like that Casper… She’s the most beautiful girl in the world… and when I marry her… and I will marry her - I’m buggered if you’re gonna be the best man at our wedding.”
Casper: “She aint gonna marry you you little ponce… she’d shit herself and run a mile if she so much as saw your archives… and anyway… she’s a porn star… not your bleedin’ girlfriend… tell’em who she is… go on…”
Phyco [coyly]: “I don’t like talking about her in public… she’s better than that”
Casper: “Don’t make out you’re all fucking shy lad! NADIA… thas her name… NADIA… and now every body in the world knows you’ve got a fucking school boy crush on NADIA… someone you’ve never even met except from the 300 cuttings of her you’ve got all over your wall… so get over it and get on with the fucking job at hand”
Phyco: “You sod! Thas private that is… something for meself…”
Casper: “Well maybe now you can stop trying to find out where she fucking lives and we can get some work done…”
Phyco [sulking]: “Her name’s Andrea actually… Nadia’s her actresses name… Can I at least put a little picture of her foot on the website?”
Casper: “One picture… and a LITTLE one… we’re not turning this business into a vent for your sad and lonely compulsions”
Phyco: “Thanks Casper… it means a lot to me…”
PIC: ![Andrea Spinks - AKA Nadia - The nicest girl on the planet - Honestly]()
Casper: “That wasn’t just *a little picture of her foot* Phyco now was it? Do as your fucking told or i’ll double your medications and send you back to that fucking farm… now… where were we? I’m getting bored of having to work with materials of your specific choosing… get out there and find something horrible, and gritty, and real… something for Casper eh??”
INT.DSS.DAY
C&P are in the DSS office. All the background/extras [it’s packed] are hideously ugly or deformed. C&P in black suits… bored… stoned…
Casper: “How much can you get?”
Phyco: “I dunno… sixty quid?”
Casper: “Can you get eighty?”
Phyco: “Well i’ll try won’t i… I need to… we’re practically fucking bankrupt”
Casper [reading]: “Eighty… and show ‘em your doctors stuff… tell them your mental… we need petrol”
INT.KITCHEN AREA.DAY
Phyco’s hunched over an old CB radio set… white noise
Phyco: “Breaker breaker… ten four for a copy… c’mon…”
White noise
Phyco: “Breaker breaker… ten four for a copy… this is Phyco boy c’mon…”
White noise
Phyco: “Breaker breaker… ten four for a copy… copy me c’mon…”
White noise
Fade
PHYCO VIGNETTE
Phyco: “The thing is… the only reason we do this… at the very core of the passion… is for money. To try and become relatively wealthy doing what we do… the dream… the MILLION POUND WANK… that embodiment of our need… and the reason why we do all this [gesticulating] is in the hope of just for once - just breaking even… because you know in this game - it’s all out-goings and not a lot of income.”
FADE
EXT.CAR.COUNTRY.DUSK
C&P driving down a lane… camera in the back…
Phyco: “This looks good”
Casper slows down
Casper: “Just in there… that’s perfect”
Phyco: “Okay”
Phyco gets out with a carrier bag
Casper: “LEAVE A CLUE!”
Phyco empties the bag of porn mags into the ditch but tears out a double page and leaves that on the verge - visible from the road.
Phyco gets in
Casper: “Alright?”
Phyco [to camera]: “That’s our round pretty much done for today”
Casper [pulling away]: “A pint me thinks”
Phyco: “Oooo cup of tea first eh?”
FADE
INT.THE SPREAD EAGLE.NIGHT
C&P at the bar in a dindgy strip pub… 2 pints of lager… fags… eighty quid in 50p’s split into two piles.
Scantily clad girl comes with a pint glass - C&P both pitch in a 50p piece from attendant piles on the bar
Casper [gesturing]: “Anabolic”
Phyco: “Anabolic… Ben Dover… or Buttman”
Casper: “Club International”
Phyco: “Diabolic”
Casper: “Escort”
Phyco: “Fiesta”
Casper: “Errr…. Greg Dark”
Phyco: “Hustler”
Casper: “Initiations”
Phyco: “John… Stag… liano…”
Casper: “KKKK Knave!”
Phyco: “…L… Lyn Fairclough!”
Casper: “Mayfair… or Men Only”
Phyco: “Nineteen”
Casper: “Onan… the… Bulgarian…”
Girl comes with a pint glass - C&P both pitch in a 50p piece
Phyco: “Peter North… Sir Peter North…”
Casper: “Queen - We Are The Champions”
Phyco: “That’s not porn though is it”
Casper: “It’s a fucking good song…”
Phyco: “I can’t think of a Q without going down the queer route so you can have it”
Casper: “I’ve had it mate… it’s a bloody good earner…”
Phyco: “Razzle”
Casper: “San Fernando”
Phyco: “Tiger Woods”
Casper: “UK Girls… Hang on… Tiger Woods?”
Phyco: “V is for… Vivid… Vivid video”
Casper: “Or Vince Voyeur?”
Phyco: “Nice… Whitehouse - an oldschool gem”
Casper: “X rated videos?”
Girl comes with a pint glass - 50p’s
Casper: “You Lucker Fucker… from Razzle”
Phyco: “What we on… Zed? I can’t think of anything beginning in z… zebra?… ooh… ZE GERMANS!”
Lagers… fags…
FADE
INT.THE SPREAD EAGLE.NIGHT
Casper is on the little stage in the strip pub with a microphone, the strippers & punters are watching.
Casper sings “We Are The Champions”… excellently… very dynamic, flamboyant etc… to a backing track. He finishes… Applause…
Phyco go’s round the crowd with a pint glass.
FADE OUT
Lubed 4 - Double Plugged [Prime Time]
Phyco: “Exclusive to The Independent Porn Review this week… Casper & Phyco’s “If I HAD to Fuck a Bloke” award goes to -“
Casper: “Hang on… the what?”
Phyco: “the “If I HAD to Fuck a Bloke” award”
Casper: “I didn’t think of that”
Phyco: “I know… I did, it’s new”
Casper: “okay… so it’s just Phyco’s… “If I HAD to Fuck a Bloke” award then… isn’t it?”
Phyco: “..uuuckin’ hell - easy sunshine!! Getting a bit fucking sens’ in your old age aren’t we?!”
Casper: “Well who is he then??”
Phyco: “Who?”
Casper: “The bloke you want to fuck?”
Phyco: “No. I don’t want to… look forget it man. It’s over.”
Casper: “Well who was it gonna be?”
Phyco: “Ray Winstone”
Casper: “Not again?! Why??”
Phyco: “Scum”
Casper: “But we’ve celebrated that hundreds of times… if not thousands… get a grip boy.”
Slap on the back of the head
VIDEO
Lubed 4 - Double Plugged [Prime Time]
90 Minutes-ish? Starring 3 birds
Phyco:
“Phew! For a minute there I lost myself… Just out of a tight corner I formally reject the phallocentricity of my regular persuances and keep it … Just G… No B… G… there’ll be no cock around here thank you…”
“SOLO GIGS RULE! Mark my words on the toilet wall this is where it’s at. This final scene in the kitchen is a TEN out of seven bogrolls kids - an absolutely fucking scorcher of a routine. One for the bare-footers and sure footedly rear shooters she’s playing with a full deck: Triple Aces High the 3 A’s are in town… Oral… Anal… Aural bonanza it’s a gung slinging hankering of slap flick that’ll pay dividends on output every time. Big time toe close-ups, an intact audio channel and heavy-edit free girly banjo skits make it a potent flagship for perfect porn; Just a girl, a big bottle of yupa-lube and a rude bluey on for the digi-cam. Essentially: the future for visually assisted palm-foolery this is - it’s “the virtual sex pot”, and via DVD technology we’re going to get interactive and - well I see the future of the medium… we been talking about all this shit on the Bravo 3001 thing - “where’s porn going” and “whatever next” etc. It’s Back to Basis… savvies. It’s a mirroring thing!”
“Picture the widescreen snapshot: telly in the background - out of focus… remote control in the foreground thumb squeezing out the fast-forward… toes curling to the east and west… and the old Pant Santa standing there with his hat off. The logical visual extension being the reflected sexual complicity in evidence through the TV screen. Cracking good stuff. One off the spankin’ andle scripted by J.G.Ballard, performed by Sooty… Motoring! If it don’t scramble your egg white on the first run I’ll personally refund your money. Now was that English that accent?? Torturous ambiguity…”
Casper:
“Yeah keep taking your pills son… I’m on mags-only rule for Christmas.”
THANKYOU to The SOHO ORIGINAL BOOKSHOP, LONDON for this smarting gem. Twenty quid all in, and worth every stinking penny.
C&P - Tapping the Sauce for British Bacon. And eggs.
Oh and PS… it’s “Tammy” you want to look out for in Lubed 4… a shining star
OFFICIAL NOTICE
OFFICIAL NOTICE
Phyco’s got the horrors… the porn-fear… the screaming ab-dabs. The punishing workload… the endless flicker of sodomy, spunk and pumping sex-organs… a relentless slurry of fluids, the infinite stream of boys and girls who get hardcore for the cameras. Set fast in the recovery position…his belly rattling with anti-phycotics… bed-ridden.
Casper’s knee deep in Hairy Housewives.
Until the next exciting episode in this epic adventure in triple X, use The Porn Review to source your sauce.
If you’re in London The Independent Porn Review highly recommends downstairs at the Soho Original Bookshops for all your white knuckle requirements:
12 Brewer Street W1 or 124 Middlesex Street E1
If you need to use mailorder to get yer gear then look no further than our wank shop for blistering service and quality produce.
For film and television enquiries contact us, otherwise, until the next time…
Take care of yourselves.
C&P
Casper & Phyco Interviews & TV Slots...
Popshots [Diabolic]
SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION COLLECTORS SCRIPT
Fade in
Title: The Independent Porn Review
Audio
Fade to black
Fade in
At the desk in presenters mode - Casper reads a porn mag
Phyco: “Hello… we are Casper… and Phyco at The Independent Porn Review… it is our mission to trawl in earnest - selflessly sampling all the pornography currently available in the UK the better that YOU make an informed choice next time you spend the pink penny on your topshelf. And we hope you appreciate it.”
Casper shuffles through the mags
Fade to black
Fade in
Viewing area - plate of biscuits on the floor
Phyco: “This is where it all happens… we like to make it as much like a Gentlemens Club as possible… help to view the project objectively… um [points to garland] Brazilian Butt-fest there look… [the black board - picks up pole] these are the qualifiers… this is what it takes to get a Casper & Phyco Certificate of Qualification… [tapping the blackboard list] No Acting… speaks for itself… No Music… ditto - with the odd exception… No Dubbing… one of the worst crimes in the world - thankfully in decline since R18… No Editing… virtually impossible but we don’t want to see it… No Trainers [glance]… come on… and finally… No Nonsense… i mean… this is hard enough as it is…
…right lets get to work”
VIDEO
![It has come to this]()
Popshots [Diabolic]
120ish Minutes Starring ALL of the Anabolic Diabolic chicks - porn’s finest stock by ‘alf - unless you’re Casper - in which case they’re all about 20 years too young
Phyco stands up - adjusts trousers - unwraps a tape and inserts etc. straight into fast forward - all the way into the action
Casper: “Oi don’t do that - press play”
Phyco: “Yeah alright i’m just getting to the good bits”
Casper: “You don’t know where the good bits are gonna be - we can’t hear it - now press play”
he pokes Phyco
Phyco presses play and automatically hands Casper the headphones - which he puts on - Phyco starts to slowly increase the volume knob…
Phyco: “Say when”
Casper: “…Okay”
They’ve done this a thousand times.
Phyco picks up a cheap mic and switches it on…
Phyco [into mic]: “How you getting on with this? Anything stand out?”
Casper [shouting]: “YEAH… IT’S ALRIGHT”
Phyco [to crew]: “Very important is the sound to Casper… a very audio orientated fellow… we always say - we’re looking for oral… anal… and AURAL… the 3 A’s…”
Casper [loudly]: “This is brilliant”
Phyco [to crew]: “We review each product on the basis of… qualification… merit… and value…”
Casper [loudly]: “This is shit”
Phyco [to telly]: “there she goes - arse over tit… jesus this is full-on… nothing but facials… back to back batter…”
Casper [loudly]: “This is brilliant”
…they both watch silently… Casper starts pounding an exercise grip furiously… screeach screeach screeach screeach screeach screeach… the sound’s of porno getting hysterical… Phyco’s head sinks into his hands…
Phyco: “Jesus… I’ve watched too much of this stuff man…”
Casper [loudly]: “This is shit”
Phyco: “One ejaculation relentlessly follows another ad nauseum for 2 hours… this is art…”
Fade to black
Fade in
Earlier:
Phyco: “We don’t learn all the names and stuff… it’s more like… “Oh her”… or… “Ah that’s him”… y’know?… it’s all very much in the visual sense… we’re not out to win mastermind… we just… tell it like it is… [looking back to film in testing]… now that’s nice [pointing]”
Fade to black
Fade in
Popshots revisited:
Casper throws the head phones off…
Casper: “This is shit. And it’s your fucking fault for going there. Now you’ve probably spoiled it. This is more like a cookery program than a porno - your sick.”
“Why didn’t we review the UK Hairy Housewives DVD that the porn shop gave us?”
Fade to black
Fade in
At the desk in presenters mode - Casper reads a porn mag carefully
Phyco: “That one came from downstairs at the Soho Bookshop opposite Liverpool Street station… check’um out - good range, well organised shelves - excellent customer services… discrete initiatives… fair prices… we are Casper and Phyco… this is The Independent Porn Review… [brandishing a mag] this is an old Knave we’re rediscovering this afternoon, and until the next time…”
Casper perks up - they chime in unison, flick, point and wink:
“Have a nice wank”
Casper checks his watch and fucks off sharpish Phyco gets pissed on Gin and worries about the phone bills.
Fade to black
Title: www.casper-and-phyco.com
Fade in reprise
Casper & Phyco are in a field by a country lane - creeping around the ditch - the sounds of the countryside very much in evidence. They’re placing carrier bags full of porn mag’s in the hedgerow.
Phyco: “…just keeping the legend of “the porn fairy” alive…”
Casper: “Some young lad on a grumble-hunt will think all his christmas’s have come at once!”
Phyco: “This is how we started out - hedge creeping. This is real philanthropy you know.”
Casper [looking into a bag]: “Hang on! We’re not giving this one away… it’s got sentimental value this one… I’m keeping this…”
Long shot: Casper stuffing the mag down the front of his suit trousers. Phyco’s in the ditch hanging a bag from a branch.
Fade to black
Hardcore Innocence #3 [Elegant Angel]
Casper & Phyco are being interviewed by telephone for a London newspaper. C&P are both squeezed up to the same handset…
Interviewer: “Okay! Casper and Psycho!”
Phyco: “Ummm… it’s PHYCO… not Psycho… everybody says that… it’s P-H-Y-C-O… Phyco…”
Interviewer: “Oh… errr… Okay! Casper and Phyca, just some sim-“
Phyco: “No… it’s Phyc-oh… “Oh”… Phyco…”
Interviewer: “Look… i’ve just got a few simple questions for you… can I get started?”
Phyco: “Proceed”
Interviewer: “What trait do you most dislike about yourself?”
Phyco [quickly]: “Underestimating my naivety”
Casper: “Oh for fucks sake!”
Phyco: “What?!”
Casper: “Don’t fucking start”
Phyco: “I’m not startin’… I’m just answering his questions…”
Interviewer: “Err… what is your idea of perfect happiness?”
Phyco: “A nice fancy wank”
Casper: “Fuck off! Fancy wank’s are bang out of order”
Interviewer: “What’s a… *Fancy Wank*?”
Phyco: “Y’know… well planned… set out… all the paraphernalia…”
Casper: “A poof’s wank”
Phyco: “A nice hot bath waiting… mag-of-the-moment… in this case the new Extreme Razzle… a pound of soft butter…”
Casper: “Bollocks. Prison wanks are where it’s at.”
Interviewer: “Well what’s a *Prison Wank*?”
Casper: “Heavy friction… ZERO preparation…” [To Phyco:] “What about that menthol shit you had?”
Phyco: “Elbow Grease? The finest product known to humanity… i’ve just run out… it’s very worrying y’know - they won’t send us any more…”
Casper: “Look… Can’t you see that what you’re doing is wrong?”
Phyco: “Ummm… actually it’s not wrong… the rate you’re going you’ll be burnt out by time you’re 30…”
Casper: “Well at least i’ll sign off with my dignity.”
Phyco: “There’s no dignity in a prison wank Casper…it’s -“
Casper: “A MAN’S wank… that’s what it is son… a man’s wank…”
Interviewer: “Ummm… what living person do you most despise?”
Phyco: “A “man’s wank”, dear boy, is one which serves to reward the practitioner with all due pleasure.”
Casper: “All due pleasure?! You call smearing jelly all over your soldier “all due pleasure”?!”
Phyco: “Indeed I do.”
Casper: “Fucking soft boy”
Interviewer [coyly]: “Who or what is the greatest love of your life?”
Phyco: “And anyway… don’t you get sore?”
Casper: “Yes you get sore… like it’s meant to be… a hard… punishing affair… blistered and torn…”
Phyco: “Ah! Thankyou! Now you are right there… that stuff you look at is indeed *punishment*… all them old bags”
Casper: “What? Me wives?! Oh and all that teen shit isn’t?! Look mate… mature ladies at home is what it’s all about… it’s REAL sex Phyco… not your contrived… rehearsed bullshit shot in a fucking studio!”
Phyco: “It’s not shot in a studio Casper… and it’s just as real… it’s just that the birds are worth rolling your sleeve up for.”
Casper: “Listen pal… those birds could shoot their scenes in their sleep… where as my ladies… well they really know how to put their back into their work.”
Interviewer: “Er… lads?”
Casper: “Because they love what they’re doing see… they’re not giving it the large one… not trying to build a fucking career out of it… not in it for the money… they are sincere, they don’t care what they look like…”
Phyco: “You’re right there”
Casper: “They care about the sex…”
Interviewer: “Hello?”
Phyco: “Oh and the Anabolic girls don’t?!”
Casper: “Well… you can’t relate to them can you?”
Phyco: “Hang on… we’re talking about a wank for chrissake!”
Casper: “EXACTLY! And that is why the details are so important… so take your posh cream… and your pretty little fucking prom queens… and give me my wives”
Interviewer: “I’ll sign of then guys… alright?”
Phyco: “Keep your gnarly old cows Casper… i’ll sleep with a clean conscience.”
Casper: “Which is more than you can say for your nob… all covered in fucking lotions”
Phone cuts out.
Phyco [sulking]: “I’m gonna phone St. Ivel and ask if they want to sponsor us.”
Casper: “Right… and while you’re there… phone them magazines and get them to do a feature on us… at this rate i’ll never get a job as a runner.”
VIDEO
Hardcore Innocence #3 [Elegant Angel]
90ish Minutes Starring Maria, Rubin, Maria Ricci, Amanda, Dina Perl, Donnatella, Niki Blonde, Pinty O’Ke, Anastasia, Alberto Rey, Nacho Vidal, Toni Ribas and Franco Roccaforte.
Phyco:
s Yet another nougat from the Harmony mailorder mob… the only place you need to make the old boy bleed… quality service - cracking produce. Link’um here
“Hardcore Innocence” volume three… “You’ll like this!” promised the email, and to their credit - Harmony really hit the nail on the head with this roundhouse rascal that pack’s a perfect punch in the name of criminally cute HARD core porn: yes it’s that new breed of tough-house that’s dominating the posh gonzish lines… a situation exemplified by a recent chat with long-standing collaborator Jimmy Jizz:
Subject: “Have you heard of slap happy??”
“ive got some scenes on cd, i’ll burn it for you, its more of a slap em round the face and choke them with your cock till they gag, i think he actually holds her nose in one so she cant breath…….i’ll burn it for yo. You got anything fresh in at the moment?”
…it would seem that in the endless quest to get harder faster nastier the stateside merchants are pushing the blue line with an ever increasing tendency toward subtle teen beating scenarios and punishing fuckery. It’ll certainly give the Fem’s something to menstruate over, well the ugly one’s anyway, as the market gets what the market wants…
…not that “Hardcore Innocence” is particularly, um, violent though - we’ll do a special report on that angle soon - it’s just that it uses that dog/cat combination of wolfish woodsmen and heart-achingly petite chicks that results in a real “in-the-moment reality trip” that encourages a “3D perspective” rather than the “2D vibe” that porno often assumes… headache material in many ways… um… yeah this aint “rough house” or anything, it aint as anal as a Diabolic, and it’s glamour mag gloss gives it a clean sheen that go’s a fair few moves beyond the Paul Raymond printed shoots… I really think this caters to the British taste you know - and that seems to be the surprising truth behind the Elegant Angle brand and a few key titles in the range: It looks like Razzle - It fucks like an Anabolic.
Bit of a problem with Nacho Vidal though… I still find him far too OTT on the funny-faces and awkward positions front… it’s a taste thing I suppose - but the other geezer’s not without talent and so the key scenes tend toward the first, the fourth, and the final… with the first routine being of notable merit - wank mag solo shoot ascends into hardcore - does everything - and lands on a tongue slap. Fucking excellent pornographics, right up there in me top 5 of all time - an instant classic… buy the tape for it alone!
Dunno her name
Oh, I could do this stuff y’know… throwing me fuck-puss over some saucy tearaway for an hundred quid and an hot meal…
Casper:
You could’nt do a fucking porn shoot son! Your cocks too small.
Buttman in Budapest Bootleg [Evil Angel/E180]
90 Minutes by John Stagliano, Rocco Siffredi etc. with motorsports at the end
Phyco:
He must be the most bootlegged brand in Britain… falling thoroughly foul of the Pirates Casper tracked this little Buttmun nougat down to a private lock-up in Milton Keynes where he was… getting the rock in… and the dude with the test tubes bunged him the tape “that a mate had leant to him the other day”… the old chestnut… up… no down where we belong…
[Casper gets back to the office]
Phyco [pouncing]: “Casper - you never do the washing up!”
Casper: “Fuck off mate I washed up the last lot!”
Phyco: “I’m talking about the dishes Casper”
Casper: “Well stop thinking about the dishes and get your soft head ‘round that…”
[He throws Phyco the pirate cassette with “The Boomshanking Minty Biglicks” written on in biro]
Phyco [excited]: “Where’d you get this? What is it? Do you know? Did they say?”
Casper: “‘Ankles threw it in as an extra… recommended it on ice”
He’s a boy old Buttman aye?! A right fucking boy… we are big fans of this man I can tell you - the most reliably sound sex on the shelf without a shadow. Well sorted for sodomy, this range of round the world missions for the Bum lover stops off at every major porn capital on the planet devouring the local balloon-knot and splashing the mash at every wink of the wormhole…
It’s Budapest we’re at for this back door rumbler… and it’s all in there - the original Stagliano formula that we’ve come to love and respect:
…Follow the fit bird in the street - ubergonzo vibe - shy little approaches from John… “Ooo’s” and “Ahhh’s” a la Dover… only American…
…a bit of a bum-squeeze - a tit twist and a bonnet prodding… plenty of macro shot through-skirt textures [a real trademark shot of Stagliano’s - very cool] and close up awkward flirting rituals… very shaky… subtly rude…
And then BAM! Siffredi swaggers along and steams straight into an alfresco danger-fuck… in the car park… in the wood… at a picnic spot - all very in-the-moment full-on out-of-nowhere… so it’s back to the hotel and BOSH!… into the royal rocket’s revelation as the Italian wood-par-excellence exits Roc’s jock strap and then the usual run of porn stuff before the inevitable spit-and-spank sweaty fudging leads to concluding facial… and I will say that Siffredi hasn’t got the best pop on the block but then it just goes to show you can’t have everything…
A great format with so much character - you really get the feeling that you know the players in Buttman movies… fantastic stuff for psychotic obsessives…
Choice Hungarian choc-hockey then from king cock Rocco and his band of merry mud-chuckers as they get a showing around by the strumpets of Budapest with God-of-pornography John in the directors socks…
Casper:
Well, well, well… been away on some very… important business… left with a spring in my step after the tearful reunion with the mighty Ben Dover… and returned with a limp to find a selection of Hustler tat on my desk!
I THOUGHT WE WERE GETTING SOMEWHERE FIKO!!
I thought we’d done the hardbody shite… I thought we were returning to our roots with open arms, I thought we were the prodigal porn children… I THOUGHT LESS WAS MORE!
Same rules readers - if you want fit birds getting it up the “Octane” then Hustler’s for you.
If you want to see the birds from the glossy mags getting it on film - then it’s for you and if you want to see “sudo-submissive” asian teens pretending they are terrified at the mere sight of a penis then Lazzer’s yer man… but me personally… I WANT CELLULITE!
ENTER THE MIGHTY STAGLIANO! ALL HAIL THE STAGMUN!
What a pleasant alternative to the big budget nonsense! All the usual suspects… coy women who turn out to be incredibly rude and up for some serious no-holds barred action: We’ve got Rocco making his usual Herculean effort and some other woodsmen of great skill and confidence…
Like all Buttman movies, the components gel to create a film that is seamless in terms of professional delivery and exciting action. Only point of critism being - it verges on the gaenacological in areas, but this aside, a triumphant example of what we’re meant to be looking for even if Phyco is hungup on giggling little geisher girls getting it up the ricker.
Bring on the grit, bring on the gonzo… and let’s have another Casper season…
Casper:
“What’s cinema verite?”
Phyco:
“Did you watch it Casper?”
Casper:
“Only once… for work”
A Hand-Hamper of Harmony Hustler
A Hand-Hamper of Harmony Hustler
Hustler’s Asian Fever 1 - We love you long time
Hustler’s Barely Legal 15 - Teen angels do devilish things
Hustler XXX Video - Edition 8 - 100% Woodman
High Octane No. 2 - Dangerous Dolls with a License to Thrill
Hustler’s Young Sluts Inc #2 - Business is Banging
Phyco:
What a strapping stack! A pretty little pile’o palm food courtesy of the HarmonyXXX mob… keeping our biceps busy with an armful of Larry’s larrup…
What a brand! Indeed they’re the “Playboy of Hardcore”…
The thing is with Hustler numbers is you always know what you’re gonna get: ultra high quality hardcore that tends toward the upper end of the spectrum… occasionally contrived scenarios, glossy studio shoots and hardened hot ho’s sporting with pro ripped wood in cleanly shot standards… not so much for the grit and grizzle obsessed, but a sure-fire package for the upmarket gent looking for an aesthetic arm with which to tip the todgers toffee.
Not that the Flynt’s Hustler crew have anything to do with the production of these naughty nuggets… as far as I know, they buy in independents and brand ‘em up for distribution… “nothing wrong with that” I hear you say, but it does suggest that you should experiment with their range until you find a one-fingered glove that fits your bill… enjoy the challenge…
…and if you can’t be bothered… please check out the Chopsy’s… their MSG drenched mouth waterings are sure to curdle yer milk… So it look’s like Hot Rod’s “Asian Eyes” number really pricked a nerve in the Phyco camp… I’ll say it again: they’re the prettiest porners in the whole fucking industry man… utterly buttery buffing chuff this, with every single scene in the first of Hustler’s Asian Fevers delivering the full back handed package… nice warm-up routines and heart breaking white pant flashes moving through to up tempo hydraulics, gritty dp’s and egg cracking facials… I’ll go so far as to say the best blowjobs of the year so far in here - no small claim given the prediliction for that particular manouevre on the Phycick side of the fence. So it’s a big thumbs up once again for the Asian players…
In summary:
The “We love you long timers” surely take the Gold then, with a glittering set of sandy spannerings well worthy of a wet wristed weekend in - including some of the best chin dribblers on the market… I just can’t get enough of this oriental onanism y’know…
Sporting the Silver? Those sterling rude rootin’ routines that make up the 8th edition of Hustler’s ubiquitous XXX Videos… [check out the magazine version of H’s XXX for some of the best hardcore stills shoots on the market]
Rocking in with the bronze… Young Sluts 2… the girls from Barely Legal giving it their bountiful best in a mildly narrative stream of blistering bumps… not bad… not bad at all…
And errr… the other two are alright n’all. A plush-as-fuck parcel of prize pornography this lot… well recommended if you like it glossy…
Casper:
Fucking Asians… whas he on?
More British fare please! Fuck me I thought we were getting somewhere after the Ben Dover special… and then I get this to work with! What’s a man to do?
The Ben Dover 3’s Up Special! [Route XX]
British Housewives Fantasies #2 - 140 Minutes Starring Lucia, Louise, Avril, Mandi, Lisa and Natasha
Ben Dover’s Puttin’ on the Brits - 140 Minutes Starring Donna, Tracey, Penny, Sharon and Tracy
Ben Dover’s Naughty British Babes - 140 Minutes Starring Cherie, Toni, Cathy, Hannah and Bev
Phyco:
Home sweet fuckin’ home!!!
These 3 champs came courtesy of Sausage Auction… a very nice little service which allows the dedicated consumer of XXX to swap their stash with like minded individuals… check ‘em out!
From the off… let’s get this straight… Ben Dover is the Daddy. The undisputed crowned King of British bonk… he’s the fucking man… And this packet-of-three proves beyond a shadow that his product must be the first choice every time for hardcore top quality “Housewife” action…
Any one of these three are sure to satisfy your need for domesticated British hardcore… all the favourites: 2 Up 3 Down all over the front-room basics with flinching A-levels and in-the-moment “O” concluding - of course - with a whole host of sopping wet boat-races… pure filth… and, as we now well know, if you want it real… go with the UK ladies… they fucking love it… check out the 2 porkers in “Housewife Fantasies”… they know which side their bread’s buttered: absolutley fabulous…
The nice thing about Dover’s take on “the mature housewife” thing is that he always get’s the pretty[ish] ones… sure you’re working with laddered tights, double chins and net curtains, but every one of these girls has got what it takes to curdle the milk… “Sexy mum’s”… pub-swingers… contact-ad cronies… you know the sort… border-line boilers… but truly winning wank…
Thank’s Ben… you make it all come clear…
Casper:
When will I learn?
First I dis’ the mighty Peter North and then I take Ben Dover for granted! The first time I saw a Ben Dover movie, I thought I’d arrived, I thought “this is it…it dosen’t get better than this.”
Then I got greedy… no it wasn’t good enough for me…over the fence across the fields…more grit and BAM!!! My debut experience with British Amateur. I became lost in my pursuit for the quintissential gritty piece of British porn. A sordid journey through the depths of depravity, spanning wives, mature action and finally “Filthy Faith”…
Then came the “American Psycho” period where C&P found themselves lost in a desert of hard bodies and action plots. I’m ashamed of that time as I reminise about the tat we got caught up in, but grudgingly admit - it was a necessary endevour at the time… Anyway… the circle is complete and I’m back in the trustworthy hands of Ben Dover and I feel like the prodigal son feasting on the slaughtered prize calf…
What a brilliant trilogy to return to! Just like the old days… real birds getting a real seeing to… There’s quality furniture, sweaty foreheads and hairy fannies all over the place… you can almost smell it! Dover’s “cheeky chappy” banter never felt so welcome… he’s a right “rascal”. Some great girls - a couple of weak ones - but the general package smoothed all that over. These girls were British and up for it, a credit to our industry.
Couple of points to note. That first bird in “British Babes”… she did that squirt thing that the bird on the Snoop vid did, except this was more of a high pressure jet washer than a squirt….incredible!!! And her sofa… bloody magic!
The sound was fantastic: no music just those lovely British accents.
Pascal’s a good lad, typical Belgique… all ribs and prick!! I don’t know who that muscle freak bloke was, his action was a bit rushed, too much pummelling, not enough thought. You can’t get by just on the size of your biceps mate… put some thought into it!! Having said that, a veritable display of delights… Mr Perry, you’ve done it again… a cracking example of why you are the “Godfather of British Porn”.
Pretty Little Asians Vol. 1 [Hot Rod/Route XX Asian]
Keep your eyes peeled for the Bravo channel’s new series “3001: A Sex Odyssey”… Casper & Phyco opened up the Independent Porn Review office for the cameras. We told it like it is… Reap it.
![Good evening, and welcome, on planet Casper and fucking Phyco]()
And remember - if you’re a television production company researcher looking for a self-elected authority to spout opinionated rhetoric in between light-hearted looks at the whacky world of fuck… drop us a line and book us for the gig…
Coming soon: “Casper & Phyco’s First Series”… until then…
DVD
Pretty Little Asians Vol. 1 [Hot Rod/Route XX Asian]
94 Minutes Starring Tomoko, Megumi, Junko, Haruka
Phyco:
Never has such division been apparant… Casper say’s “No” but Phyco say “Ah so…” to this slab of DVD magic from the new Hot Rod “Asian” line…
The Hot Rod mob have released 4 new channels of chomp: Asian, Platinum, Teen and Gonzo… lovely new branding, big video boxes, original graphics… you’ll see ‘em here as and when… but first up, these pretty little Japanese birds on the Asian firm…
What can I say? Well for a start its bona fide stuff… not just US studio setups with quarter-breed Indonesians passed off as the real thing - this is hundred percent nip, and it shows all the way through: sterile medical bed sets with zero frills and a very minimalist approach to aesthetics - white sheets, simple couch, white walls, stark lighting etc. which only serves to highlight the simply sublime nature of these delicate little creatures of the title… they are lovely let me tell you… all blinky innocent - and just a tad “vunerable”… nice an’orrible!
It’s quite a niche the Asian thing… if you’ve got a taste for the Orient you’ll know better than to swerve from the path - if slopes is what it takes - then slopes is what ye takes, for I challenge any other nation on earth to produce prettier porners…
They are gorgeous these girls… all white skin and shy giggles… an aura of shame at every position change… it’s back to basics on the menu: Boy/Girl sequences employing the old strip/strum/suck/fuck & cum routines to deliver an old school collection of standards, but you just wait until you see these dolls blowing the bugle… them facial expressions’ll have you in tatters…
![I wish I'd tried harder at school]()
Painful… although, try as I might - I couldn’t match that cover shot exactly with the action… robbed.
Casper [faux cheerfully]:
Phyco… talk to me about the sound…
Phyco:
Oh yeah! The DVD options also let’s you select from three audio styles… there’s “House” and there’s… “Classical”… and “New A
Casper:
FUCK the music! Where’s the sound?!!!!
Phyco:
Oh… have they deleted the mic channel?
Casper:
Too fucking right they have pal… how am I supposed to work with a product without sound??!!!
Phyco:
Well I love it
Casper:
Well you would wouldn’t you? You like all that cute shit… but how could you not notice the absence of the sound???
Phyco:
Sorry… I know what it means to you…
Casper:
It’s the most important thing for me is the sound…
Phyco:
I know… I know…
Casper:
Not a whelp not a whimper… not a creak nor a whisper… no smatch smatch smatch as the action unfolds… no clipped little breaths… no nothing… they’ve forgotten the fucking sound…
Later
Casper:
This chickens rubbery
Phyco:
Ahhh… fangyou sir…
![Another hard day at the orifice]()
Casper & Phyco - The Independent Porn Review
Looking at the world through wank tinted spectacles since 1988
Peter North’s North Pole #18 [Hot Rod Raw]
87 Minutes Starring Barbie Belle, Taylor St.Clair, Bolivia Samsonite, Kristina Black, Claudia Atkins, Pat Myne, John Decker, Lee Stone, Dillion Day and Peter North
Phyco:
Produced by… Directed by.. and Starring by… Ladies and Gentlemen…
…it’s the legendary Peter North:
Peter North:
“When I did my first movie it was… going like six feet, and about 10 or 12 shots just going every which way… it was like a volcano explosion. And some people thought “extra prostate gland” and everybody wonders “what is it?”, “is it his diet?”… Ummm… genetically, I’ve been blessed that way… and I enjoy it because my popshots are as intense as my orgasm!”
“When a woman gives oral sex, I think they should make it into an artform. They should enjoy it, it’s a turn on, I mean, girls, you’re turning him on! You don’t know what you’re doing to him when you do it, but if you did… then it would probably turn you on! I think it’s one of the most intimate things, oral sex…”
“I have friends that like their girls to give them oral sex… but they don’t even give it back! I mean… what kind of a return is that!? It’s one of the nicest things in the world… I mean… when I know I have a woman in ecstasy - I’ll actually tease sometimes… I’ll do different things… just to keep her at that high level, riding that fine line, but not climaxing… until I want her to…”
“I like doggystyle… It’s more of the woman’s body, the shape, the naarrrowing of the waist and then the hips - and then the hair coming down…
If you want to you can kind of… lean over and get… right next to her… talk to her… hold her… you can grab her breasts… you can work your fingers underneath to stimulate her clitoris… that’s my favourite position… but…
I get romantic at times - and I get freaky at times! I like to get up against walls… knock pictures down… do it in different places… walk around… It depends on the person you’re with - it does take two!”
Phyco:
Yeah… Um, I fancy Claudia Atkins with a boatful of batter Pete
![Claudia Atkins - Well nice]()
Peter North:
“I respect the girls! I treat ‘em good… I find out what they like, and what they don’t like… If they like it harder… if they don’t - then I’ll take it eeaasy…
I won’t do it for the camera if it’s going to make them go through any kind of pain…”
Phyco:
“The path of the righteous man”
Casper:
Peter Von Pole! The Charles Ingles of Porn… the most wholesome man on the planet… fuck me, whas he doing when he’s not on the matress? Ploughing his fucking field?
I bet he lives on a Ranch and rides a Horse and makes love to his Wife every night and has thirteen Children…
What a fucking man…
Phyco:
Did you get anything off it?
Casper:
Nah not really… I just got overwhelmed with Respect for him… he’s incredible… so reliable and honest… so positive and clean… I’m not saying I can get a wank out of the bloke… I’m just saying how fucking wholesome he is…
alright?
Phyco:
You know he says that Ginger Lynn dealt him the best blowjob he ever had…
Casper:
I fucking told you - she’s a right slag…